Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Calling Bullshit On Things You Shouldn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t Say To A New Lover

Calling Bullshit On Things You Shouldn't Say To A New Lover

The Debrief: Say it all. WHY NOT

You can't move on the internet without having helpful lists written by experts on how to not piss off your current partner, your potential partner or your partner's partner. Sharing nuggets of wisdom is one thing, but it's a fine line between 'nuggets of wisdom' and 'telling people what to do when they're dating someone'. 

If you're dating someone, then it's your prerogative to share whatever you like. Tracey Cox, resident sexpert of the Mail Online, provided eight things you should never say to your man today. Because if you say them, obviously, he'll either explode into flames or immediately strangle you. Or himself. 

We've decided to call bullshit on them, not to hate on Tracey Cox – she's doing her thing – but to hate on the fact that you don't need rules to figure out how to go about dating someone. And you can disclose whatever information you want; if he can't deal with it, then either wait until he does deal with it, or go find someone who can deal with it. Also, some of them are just really obvious. 

So you're not allowed to say... 

1. How good your ex was

Well obviously don't go on about how good in bed they were and how many orgasms they gave you, because humans are naturally comparative beings and will feel under pressure, but that's just good manners. And speaking badly of an ex just makes you look like a bit of a dick. Unless, of course, they set fire to you. In which case, go nuts but, either way, you shouldn't avoid saying you're mates with an ex or that you're ex is a great person because it makes you look like a mature, balanced individual. Something we all should aspire to be (or at least appear to be). 

2. How good you were with other lovers

Who goes on about how good they were with someone else to the person they're trying to get with? If you're doing that, then fair play to you, but good luck making that person feel good. Nobody needs this advice. 

3. Past behaviour that doesn't reflect who you are now

Er, if you had a past addiction to alcohol, or you killed a man, I'd quite like to know. Might help me out if you struggle with it in the future. I might be able to catch the signs and help you, rather than being oblivious and learning 20 years in that you killed a man. 

4. Giving exact numbers

If someone asks how many people you have slept with, tell them how many people you have slept with. Being surprised or taken aback is one thing, but if they really can't cope, then find someone who can cope. Unless it's 42,000,000,000, in which case, give them way more time because that's just worrying.  

5. Favourably referencing the same ex more than once

To help you with this, carry a piece of paper and tally up every time you favourably mention an ex. Make columns for all your exes and ensure that you don't exceed your one tally maximum. Yawn yawn sigh yawn. Tally THAT. 

6. Any reference to size

Just good manners, isn't it? Just like some people might get upset if they were told they had a huge vagina, some guys get upset if you say they have the smallest wang out of anyone you've slept with. 

7. 'I've never had a problem having an orgasm before.'

If you have problems having an orgasm, and you've never had a problem having an orgasm before, then you should probably say that. But being gentle, and with some context around it,, rather than just blurting it out just so as no feelings are hurt. But by all means bring up the subject because, if you don't, you're going to start peeling labels of beer bottles. And if you never bring it up, you'rem going to start fucking beer bottles. And nobody wants to sit with that girl at the pub. 

So let's stop trying to be prescriptive over each others' love lives. Some people love knowing how many guys a girl has slept with. Some hate it. Some deal well with the fact their current partner is friends with all their exes. Some hate it. There are no rules other than the ones you make yourselves, so go forth and tell people about past experiences that no longer reflect who you are no! Fly! FLY. 

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

Tags: Relationships, Dating