Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Monday, 11 May 2015

Calling Bullshit On \\\\\\\'Settling Down\\\\\\\' And Other Crap Relationship Terms

Calling Bullshit On 'Settling Down' And Other Crap Relationship Terms

The Debrief: You can take your 'we' and send it off with a one-way ticket to a couples only Sandals resort.

So apparently Prince Harry says he wants to 'settle down'. Gross. What does that mean Prince Harry? Once upon a time, 'settling down' meant a man and a woman getting married, having a couple of kids and living in a house you guys bought with money the man made. In short; doing things the 'traditional way'. In 2015 though, good luck achieving any of that, even if you wanted to. Perhaps you don't want to get married? Perhaps you live in a country that won't even allow you to marry who you want to? Perhaps you'd rather eat your own hat Paddy Ashdown-style rather than have kids? Also you almost definitely won't be able to afford a house until 2059 so (unless you're Prince Harry) good luck on 'settling down' any time soon.

Here's a few other relationship terms that can take a hike.

‘We’

Obviously sometimes it’s used out of necessity, as in ‘we’re leaving at 6:30’ to denote the fact that you and another person will be exiting your home so it’s clear that no one will be there, but couples that go out of their way to say ‘we’ sound a little smug about it. As in ‘what are you doing this weekend Jess? ‘Well first WE might go on a little walk, then WE might go for lunch with some friends before WE head into town to do a bit of shopping.’ Hey. I like your boyfriend as much as the next gal but how many shits do I give about his weekend plans? Zero. Sorry.

‘My man’

Used a lot in certain types of magazine for women. As in ‘My man took me shopping at the weekend’ or ‘My man made me dinner last night’. Not only does it make you sound more than a little possesive (unless he doesn't have a name and this is the best way you can think of to refer to him, which would be weird but like, I guess could be a possibility) it also make you sound less like you’re dating an actual fully grown human man with a mind of his own and more like a pet that you've grown over-fond of.


'Other Half'

Things must have been really rough for you before you guys got together. Also, which half of you was missing before? Was it like, you had legs but needed a torso, arms and a head? Or was it like you could only say half a sentence before stopping abruptly because you had nothing else to say? Either way, props for staying upright for so long.

'Soulmate'

Statistically speaking ladies, if we had soulmates, we'd all be fucked. Seven billion people in the world and the paths of fate are favourable enough to you to make sure you meet that one special person? Not sure about that. How about, there's some people out there you're suited to, and some you aren't. The ones that piss you off a lot can get fucked, and the ones that piss you off only a little bit are probably worth seeing again. Eventually someone'll come along that you're happy to let piss you off for the rest of your life. And, even if he doesn't last, you'll be able to find another. See also 'The One'.

'Tied down'

Using negative terminology to describe something that's actually pretty damn great is weird. If you were tied down to a railway track that would be really very bad. If you were tied down to a spit that was slowing rotating over a fire that would be horrible and you'd almost definitely try to escape. If that's the way your relationship makes you feel then, here's a thought; escape and find one that doesn't make you feel like your insides are cooking from the outside.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

The Inevitable Stages You Go Through When Your Ex Gets Engaged

Periods Aren't Scary' And Other Things A Brother Learned From Growing Up With A Sister

Six Reasons You Shouldn't Be Friends With An Ex

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Tags: Relationships