Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Tuesday, 23 December 2014

You Need To Check Out The Scientology Christmas Catalogue Because It's Crazy

The Debrief: A listening device, an indoctrination pack and more!

Panicking about last minute presents for Tom Cruise? Don't worry, because the Church of Scientology have a Christmas catalog and it's every bit as bonkers (and hilariously expensive) as you'd expect from a religion that asks you to pay in order to move through its enlightenment stages. 

And also, every bit as dated (but you can flick through it like a real catalog, and it even makes paper noises and everything). Here are the highlights in case you're stuck for what to buy the scientologist in your life: 

A Listening Device

Price: $400 

They say: 'From the professional quality headphones and CD player to the CLEARSOUND amplifier - every element in this personal listening system is the best' 

We say: It's a CD player from the 90s. 

Hubbard Professional Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter 

Price: $5,500 (with the troubleshooter - which it sounds like you'll probs need) 

They say: 'With this meter, your auditing will never be the same again. Your preclears will make spectacular progress up the Bridge.' 

We say: This is a lie detector that's cleverly masquerading as a sort of toaster - and you get free electrodes. If that doesn't make your gran well up with happytears, we don't know what will. 

The Legacy Collection of Lectures

Price: $10,000

They say: 'The Basics, the Congress, and the Advanced Clinical Courses [...] Every book and lecture series one needs for a complete chronological study, not to mention the full sequential body of LRH wisdom comprising the Materials Guide Chart.' 

We say: Every lecture you'll ever need for ten thousand dollars? That's a bargain (sarcasm). 

Study Tapes and Student Hat Dictionary

Price: $200

They say: 'Slang words and colloquial phrases are defined, with the meaning in the context used by Ron [...] gives a vocabulary that will amaze your friends and associates'

We say: It's a dictionary for things that L Ron Hubbard said, the words he used and the way he spoke in order to brainwash people into sounding like an old man who isn't around anymore. What a great stocking filler. 

Processing Indoctrination Packs

Price: Range from $25 - $125 per pack depending on whether you want the fancy ones or not (oh, there are ten in total and you'll obvs need to eventually buy all of them) 

They say: 'Each Indoctrination pack contains comprehensive definitions of every word used in the auditing commands - fully illustrated so the preclear can attain full understanding.' 

We say: You only need to look at the title, and the use of the word 'indoctrination' to figure out how we feel about all of this. Maybe a good present for that cousin you don't really like?

Like this? You might also be interested in...

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Christmas Guide Is Hilarious

How To Deal When Your Housemate Becomes A Christmas Lunatic

How Not To Be A City Dick When You Go Home For Christmas

 

 

Tags: Christmas