Chemmie Squier | Acting Fashion & Beauty Editor | Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Here\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s The Weird Shit We\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' ve All Done To Try And Win Back An Ex

Want To Win Back An Ex? Here's All The Crazy Shit We've Tried

The Debrief: Calling them 153 times probably won't make them love you again.

Break-ups are life-defining moments. I bet you remember your first broken heart. I do. It happened on holiday (I KNOW) after he wouldn’t stop texting another girl and I was all, ‘Hey, can you talk to me, your girlfriend, instead?’ But what about the aftermath? The willingness to do literally anything to get that guy back in your life because you just know he’s meant to father your children.

After a discussion in The Debrief office we realised that love really can make you do some seriously weird (read: absolutely mental) things, and we know we’re not alone in this... are we? Here’s all the weirdest shit we’re sure everyone’s done when trying to win back the ‘love of their life’. For the sake of human dignity, all contributors will remain anonymous. 

Getting all needy on them
We’ve all been there. It mainly involves becoming a snivelling wreck, confessing your undying love and bombarding them with calls and hoping they’ll take pity on you. Because FFS, why can’t he just LOVE ME?

‘I called him knowing he was in Africa on a work trip with his dad when I was VERYYYYY wasted in a cab in London and told him he was the one. Casual.’

This is obviously both a little embarrassing as well as a financially unsound decision because of the long-distance phone call aspect.

Becoming a borderline-stalker
You know, just hanging around wherever they might be, in the hope of bumping into them. ‘What do you mean what am I doing here? I always hang around on your mum’s street.’ Inconspicuous is totally your middle name.

‘There was the time I regularly spent nights hanging in the veg aisle of my ex’s local Tesco in the hope he would pop in, see me (and my asparagus in basket) and realise we’d made a huge mistake and should 100% be together. Needless to say he never came in and instead I caught a miserable cold from being in the chilled section for so long and ended up ill. Oh and alone.’ 

Trying any crazy shit and praying it works
Oh I don’t know, like tattooing their name on your forehand or covering yourself in whipped cream and lying outside of their house to show them how irresistible you are.

‘I have a friend who showed up at her ex’s place of work in a bra and pants. It didn’t work surprisingly.’

Getting the professional work place involved is probably never going to go down too well, so try to avoid mixing business and pleasure.

The classic jealousy card
If you just pretend that you’re, like, fully in love with some other stud he’s going to come crawling back. Obviously.

‘I said I’d snogged one of his friends and he said, “But he’s in a long-term relationship” and I had to admit I was lying and it was horrible.’

Maybe don’t pick someone they know really really really well, though.

Plain persistence
Just calling and messaging them. All. The. Time.

‘I was still sort of sleeping with my ex and I was going back to his after a night out. When I got to his house, he wouldn’t answer his phone (I found out afterwards that he’d passed out) but I could see that his bedroom light was on and I was convinced he had a girl up there. I ended up calling him about 50 times. I figured the girl might eventually see it and know there was another girl on the scene.’

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

The Fish Looked Really Lonely’ And Other Stuff We’ve Cried At During Our Periods

The Drunken Texts You’ve Definitely Sent Your Ex

Inevitable Signs You Had A Mega Night Out

Follow Chemmie on Twitter @chemsquier

Tags: Love & Marriage