Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Monday, 3 August 2015

What Kind Of Showerer Are You?

What Kind Of Showerer Are You?

The Debrief: There is no middle ground. You're either a showerer or a non-washer

If you look round at your friends, you’ll realise that most people are pretty extreme with their washing habits; as in they either do it a lot, or not a lot, and either way, they’ll defend their washing choices to the death.

According to a new study today; the average Briton showers nine times a week with the showeriest (that's my new word for people that shower a lot) people working in labouring jobs (obvs, hot and sweaty and all that), while the least showeriest work in the IT industry. The Debrief sits right next to the IT department in our offices and we can confirm that, contrary to this study, they are all excellent-smelling men.

Anyways, nine times a week sounds bang on for me; I’ll shower every morning, and if I go to the gym, every evening. Sometimes I’ll just whack another shower in there for good measure if I need to shave my legs or something. But, for the majority of my friends, housemates and, unfortunately, boyfriend, showering nine times a week is so far out of reach for them, it's nothing but a pipe dream. Which I just can't understand. How the HELL can you get away without showering every morning? Here’s a few questions I have for you people that don’t shower all the time.

WHAT ABOUT THE SLEEP SWEATS?

What happens when you go to bed at night? Do you have an in-bed cooling system that I don’t know about? Do you cryogenically freeze yourself so you lie in a motionless state all night? When I wake up I look like I’ve done a round at Barry’s Boot Camp; hair sticking up every which way, drenched in sweat with a healthy whiff emitting from my crevices. If I went to work like this, I’d become the office outcast. The one they gave a 'special' private office to that was actually the stationery cupboard just so no-one had to smell me.

HOW IS YOUR HAIR STILL SHINY?

My flatmate is a very beautiful lady but, her showering habits aren’t the greatest. She’ll shower like 2-3 times a week but, instead of looking like Cousin It has just taken a bath in the oil left over after deep-frying chips, she still looks like a Pantene model on Day 3. Is there some special shampoo you people are using that stops your hair from craving washing? And don't give me that 'you can teach hair to be self-cleaning' bullshit. There was a boy at my school who didn't wash his hair for three months in an experiment along this line and, guess what, you could tell. It was gross.

HOW ARE YOU AWAKE?

I’m the kind of girl that needs an hour of snoozes to get myself semi-conscious in the morning and, if it wasn't for standing under a dribble of lukewarm water first thing there would be little to no chance I’d make it from house to work without falling asleep on the Northern Line.  Are you guys on some sort of legal highs that take you from lumbering sleep monster to perky Leslie-Knope levels of awakeness each morning? Either way, hook a sister up.

DO YOU WASH YOUR BITS AT LEAST?

It's common knowledge (we hope) that some bits of our bodies need a little more attention in the hygiene stakes. Like vaginas, and willies. So like, if you don't shower every day; do you at least give your bits a splash to make sure things are fresh and clean down there? What happens if you meet a person you want to show your vagina or willy to (consensually of course) and you haven't showered. Do you go to the bathrooms and have a quick wash there? Or do you just go for it, three day fanny sweat and all? We need answers please non-showerers. Thanks.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Things You Only Know If You’re Short Sighted

Douching: What Is It And Should I Do It?

A Fitness Virgin Asks The (Not) Stupid Questions You're Too Scared To Ask

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Picture: Li Hui