Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Well This Is The Worst Office Sex Story We've Heard In A Long, Long Time

The Debrief: Don't have sex in an office with the lights on and the blinds open if you're next to a bar. People will film you.

If you think your day’s going badly, then be prepared to feel simultaneously vindicated and heart-achingly awful for the couple who got caught having sex in their office in epic style.

Epic in a bad way, because nobody wants to be caught in the act epicly. 

Over in Christchurch, New Zealand, a couple decided to get down to it in the office of an insurance company after hours – with no idea that there was a bar opposite. And people were drunk. And drunk people in a bar who are watching people have sex in an office are more likely to film it and post it all over the internet. 

Revellers at the Carlton Bar and Eatery posted pictures to Facebook and Twitter, then Reddit got its hands on the footage and the pair – who were both employees at the insurance firm – haven’t returned to work since it occurred, on Friday.

‘The whole pub knew about it and was watching, while they were totally oblivious to it. And afterwards celebrating with wine,’ said one commenter, on Reddit.

Another wrote about how the whole bar was cheering them on as they, erm, got it on: ‘The entire bar united in cheering them on. It started with a casual flirt. Then the kiss, grabbing the attention of all. Get it, son! Finally they moved to the back of them room, thinking they were unseen. Off comes the tights, down goes his head. By this stage, 50 bar patrons were pressed up against the window yelling their approval,’ he wrote.

‘To be honest, after watching them fuck for a good half hour, people started to get bored and drift off back to the dancefloor.’

No, they probably shouldn’t have shagged in an office with the lights on and the blinds open, but the patrons in the bar probably shouldn’t have filmed it and broadcast it all over the internet. The employees could lose their jobs (it’s down to the company, and whether they feel like it damages their reputation) but nothing will happen to those who tweeted or Facebooked it. 

The CEO of the insurance company in question has stated that he knows who it is, and it’s under investigation. ‘We take these matters very seriously,’ he told the press. It’s not the type of behaviour we condone. It’s very disappointing. One of the challenges of social media is the inability to control things.’

Employment lawyers working on the investigation have commented that someone having sex with the lights on and the blinds open couldn’t have had a reasonable expectation of privacy, and that the investigation hinges on whether this is damaging for the company.

Blair Scotland, an expert on employment law explained: ‘A funky modern IT outfit might say, “Don’t do that on other people’s desks please, otherwise don’t worry about it,” and have no disciplinary action whatsoever. The nature of the employer can play a big part in the outcome.’

The company who actually owns the entire building has distanced itself, saying that the sex took place in another company’s offices and, just because they own the building, it doesn’t mean they have any responsibility.

Oh God. So, so embarrassing. 

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

Tags: Awkward Sex Conversations