Tinder In London Vs Tinder At Home
The Debrief: If you're going to spend the perineum of the year (that bit between Christmas and New Year) at your mum and dad's, you might as well make the most of it on Tinder
Illustration by Karin Soderquist
Holidays are a-coming and the final work push is underway before packing up and shipping out of the big smoke for that joyous extended family time.
Christmas isn't always the most ideal time to be single - especially if everyone else in your family has a significant other. Your presents look shit in comparison because you're spending half the budget, for example. You watch your mothers eyes light up when she opens that Mulberry bag your sister and her husband bought her and then cringe as she tries to pretend the poem you wrote was worth just as much. You feel like the dweebiest dweeb on the dweeb ranch. You watch you brother and his wife stealing a romantic moment under the mistletoe and feel oh so alone! Thank god your parents are reliably arguing or you'd have nothing to confirm your relationship cynicism.
So while your siblings cosy up in front of the fire feeding their brandy buttered fingers to their partners, or entwine their arms to sip each other Baileys, what is there left to do other than reach for your mobile and whip out your Tinder swiping finger? This might give you hope that you won't always be alone for Christmas and love could be just around the corner.... or could make you feel quite the opposite.
Either way, you've got some time to kill if you're spending the entire perineum of the year (the stretch between Christmas and New Year) back in the nest so you might as well go for it.
Here's a little list of some of the differences you may expect to find. Happy Holidays you sexy beasts.
Tinder in London: No-one you know will see you on dates
The glorious anonymity of this vast city means you are unlikely to run into anyone you know. Unless you went to Durham University and your date is at the White Horse (aka Sloanie Pony) of course.. In someways this is a godsent, especially if you've accidentally ended up with a BOBFOK (Body off Baywatch Face off Crimewatch) In other ways it increases the danger levels of your Tinder experience considering this guy could be Ted Bundy the Second and no one would see you being dragged off into a dark alleyway after he slipped GHB into your gin.
Tinder at Home: Everyone you know will see you on dates.
Whether it's Mrs Asquith your primary school teacher, your milkman, Aunt Mable or you mum. If you're on a date in your local pub, where the landlord has served you since 16, you WILL bump into someone you know. Because those people have all known you since you were wee, they will not hold back on the 'oo-errs' and will introduce themselves to your date with the words 'Who is this nice young man?' We've all heard it and it still sends shivers through our body and blood to our cheeks. Be prepared.
Tinder in London: Your mates will want to play
All of your mates who missed the Tinder bandwagon i.e. started in their current relationships before Tinder even existed will BEG you for a swipe sesh. Yolanda, 28 says 'Last time I let this happen I had a large amount of unsuitable matches, however, I did end up taking a chance with a fireman called Sam (I kid you not!) He was very keen to call his profession a "Firefighter". Needless to say, by the end of the night I had sung THE song too many times and made too many references to his "pole" for it to be funny. Or for him to laugh.'
Tinder at Home: Your mum will want to play
Mothers get very excited about digital catalogues of boys. Too excited. Many of you will watch your mother transforming into Mrs Bennett of Pride and Prejudice before your eyes the moment you allow her to have a little flick through; getting shouty when you swipe left on people from Oxbridge or who work in banks. Shona, 28 actually found this to be of great help. 'My mother has LinkedIn premium which means she can see everyone without them being notified. She was able to hunt down all my potential matches and suss out how much money they made in minutes. For months after Christmas last year I had a string of high net worth individuals taking me to very swanky London restaurants.'
Tinder at Home: It's unlikely to lead to sex
If your date is similarly 'Christmas visiting' there will be no option for either of you have a boozy bonk, unless you pull a Rapunzel. You could try Mary and Joseph's approach and try and blag a room at the local inn but you're likely to get the same response they did. Even if they're local with their own place, you're entire family will know you've been a dirty stopout unless you have a good cover story.
NB: your cover story will be blown by Mrs Asquith when you bump into her with your mother the next day at Waitrose. So who was that lovely young man you were with....' Shudder.
Tinder in London: It's likely to lead to sex
If you've walked into the honeytrap of a date venue two seconds from his flat, and you don't have your parents wondering where you are, it's all too easy, after a couple of bottles of Pinot to stumble onto his penis. Especially if you've decided you don't fancy him enough for a relationship but could do with a bit of a servicing.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating