Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Thursday, 14 May 2015

The Inevitable Stages Of Celebrating Your Birthday On Facebook

The Inevitable Stages Of Celebrating Your Birthday On Facebook

The Debrief: Happy birthday Facebook, you terrifying FOMO-inducing time thief, you

Facebook is 12 today. Hasn't time flown! It only seems like five minutes ago the time thief FOMO inducer was just a glint in Mark Zuckerberg's eye, and we were refusing to sign up because 'it'll never be as big as MySpace.' Lol, etc. Anyways, happy birthday Facebook, here are some of the inevitable ways you will probably celebrate your birthday today. Because this is exactly what we do. 

Midnight

Ermagarrrrd it’s your birthday! As deeply saddened as you are to now be yet another year older than Kylie Jenner, nevertheless it’s still YA BIRTHDAY! Ooo! First Facebook message of the day… From that girl you used to play netball with at school. Bit keen love, it’s only 12:01.


9 AM

HELLO. The posts on your wall are really starting to pile up now. Although you’re convinced that this time last year you had more than this. Oh good. Here’s one from that guy from three years above you who left school but kept hanging around outside the gates revving the engine of his Citroen Saxo and smoking weed. Last you heard he was still working in the local cinema. His message goes something like ‘Hpy bday luv! Hope ur well xxx’. Ah well. Every post counts.


1PM

Confusion abounds. Your best friend’s just written on your wall going, ‘Happy birthday! Xxxxxxx’. Which is nice and all, but does this mean she’s not going to call you? Or like, show up at your house with a big bunch of flowers and a massive present and hug? IS THIS ALL YOU ARE TO HER???? Oh wait, your phone’s ringing and it’s her. FALSE ALARM, GUYS.

8PM

The posts have slowed down now. It was nice that guy you met once on holiday in Malia said happy birthday although, if you’re honest, you couldn’t remember who he was for a while. There’s just one thing that’s nagging at you though; where’s your message from your friend Samanatha? You guys aren’t super close but you thought she’d at least acknowledge your special day. In fact, you can’t believe she hasn’t. Fuck her. Fuck  everyone. Fuck birthdays. WHY DOES NO-ONE LOVE YOU?


9AM (The Next Day)

Being the gracious person that you are, you decided to thank your well-wishers (and hopefully remind Samantha what a giant bitch she is for ruining your whole day). ‘Thanks for all the birthday wishes, guys! Had the best day’. It receives 14 likes and one comment. From Samantha. ‘Happy birthday x’ .
What a cold-hearted bitch.

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Tags: Facebook et al, Tech