The Etiquette Of Using Microwaves At Work
The Debrief: Don't cook mackerel in a communal kitchen, arsehole.
New guidelines have been suggested by a professor at Goldsmiths, University of London to stop people heating up sausage rolls in the communal microwave for religious reasons. As someone who still feels violated after a man went to town on some mackerel in 2013, I feel that there are more work microwave etiquette rules to be explored and adhered to.
If you're struggling to comprehend another's microwave-based insanity (Mackerel, mate? It smells like a dead fish! Oh) then print this out and stick it to all the microwaves in your building. Probability says that there's only one which means everyone stands in a sad line at 1pm holding their M&S soups and stained tupperware.
Thou Shalt Not Microwave Food Uncovered
Unless you clean it afterwards. Nothing like a load of beans that were previously stuck to the top of the ceiling plopping in your meal thanks to some moron who doesn't understand how lids work. Cover it up with clingfilm, or a lid. A lid is something you put on something to stop it exploding or spilling out of the top, in case you weren't aware.
Thou Shalt Not Cook Fucking Fish
Salmon is alright, but anything approaching mackerel should be fully illegal across the EU and, indeed, the world. Nobody wants to dry heave while trying to heat up their pasta from last night. It not only ruins your appetite, it actively makes you hate all food.
Thou Shalt Not Leave The Door Open
No idea why this is annoying, but it just is. Also, if a fly gets in and then you try and cook your meal, the fly will explode over your food. This happened to a good friend of mine.
Thou Shalt Not Stand In Front Of The Microwave, Staring At It
I need to get a spoon, and the drawer is next to the microwave, and why do you need to stare at the revolving food like you've died standing up? Now we will both just awkwardly do our stuff in the kitchen, coughing and swallowing saliva because you refuse to wait elsewhere. Even thought there's 20 minutes left on the timer.
Thou Shalt Not Take Other Peoples' Stuff Out Of The Microwave
IT'S GONE COLD NOW, DICKHEAD.
Thou Shalt Not Cook Weird Things In The Microwave
Spinach in a mug (sets on fire). Things that are supposed to go in an oven (they'll be frozen still and might set on fire). Bits of fire. I once saw someone heating up a cup of tea in a microwave when there was a kettle next to it.
Thou Shalt Not Turn It Off Seconds Before It Dings Leaving The Other Person To Twist The Knob To Zero
Why didn't you wait five seconds? This will bother me all day and I won't be able to sleep at night. Maybe this signifies a great problem within me, but either way it's annoying.
Thou Shalt Not Say 'Ooh There She Blows' When It Dings
Or any other lame phrase. 'He-llo!', 'That's me!' and 'Timbeerrrrrr' all count as annoying things people say when microwaves ding. Just get your food out and piss off, mate.
I think we've all learned something, and become better people, today.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating