Signs That Christmas Is Coming Way Too Soon
The Debrief: Deck the halls with OH MY GOD FUCK OFF
Less than 70 days until Christmas and, don’t get us wrong, we’re big fans. Huge Yuletide fans. The only issue is when it starts getting Christmassy this early on, when it’s nowhere near Christmas. Why? Because by the time the big 25 rolls round, we’ll all be totally sick of the sight of Rudolph’s stupid fucking red nose. See, it’s happening already, and I love Rudolph.
Here are the signs that the festive season is being forced upon you way too early.
There are Christmas decorations up and it’s September
During my commute, I can already see the Christmas lights hanging up above shoppers on London's Oxford Street. They’re lightless, which makes them look haunted and sad. Also, they first went up in September, which is totally unacceptable and someone needs to stop this, because now, when they're illuminated, it won’t be as much of a Christmassy surprise. It’ll just be like, ‘Oh, they’ve put lights in those bald-looking lampshades. Cool.’
Someone asks you what you’re doing for New Year
I don’t know, what are you doing in May 2017?
You’re watching Christmas adverts while wearing a tank top
If it’s warm enough to be wearing anything other than a huge jumper, those multicoloured woollen socks that aren’t allowed out of the house, and a bowl of mashed potato (or some other wintry food) then it’s too early. If you’re wearing shorts, a short-sleeved top, or your central heating doesn’t need to be turned on, then write a letter of complaint. Or just complain loudly to yourself/whoever you’re watching TV with.
Halloween and Bonfire Night haven’t happened yet
This is the best barometer of whether it’s too early, and appropriate to complain. If it’s before Halloween, then definitely. If it’s after Bonfire Night, then it’s acceptable to play Christmas carols and drink mulled wine. See also: the clocks haven’t gone back.
Your nan says it’s too early
If your nan, who buys her presents in June to to beat the rush, thinks Christmas has come too soon, then it probably has. See also: small children asking you why there are Christmas decorations up when it isn}t Christmas. Kids love Christmas even more than us, so if they’re complaining, then there’s a problem.
It’s still light when you leave work
Unless you are living on the continent (I don’t know what this means), when you leave work it should be dark, freezing and so windy you can’t fully breathe in, otherwise your mouth and nose will turn to ice. If this isn’t happening post 4pm, then you need to stop banging on about Christmas.
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IT'S TOO EARLY, RIGHT?!
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating