Scientists Discover The Perfect Penis
The Debrief: Hint: it's not 70m and made of foam.
You know how we all need a scientist to tell us the ideal size of a penis for our individual tastes? Well, thank arse somebody addressed it by using a 3D printer and showing loads of female participants different sizes to determine the perfect dimensions. Now we can all sleep at night for once. Or not, if we happen to be in bed with one, amiright ladies etc, sigh, yawn, etc.
Clever researchers from the University of California Los Angeles and University of New Mexico showed a whopping 75 women (what a cross-section!) a variety of different 3D printed wangs, and got them to pick which ones they’d prefer for different scenarios, reports The Daily Beast.
Shock, surprise, gasp: apparently bigger isn’t just not only better, but also a negative – scientists concluded from the results that we don’t want an ‘outlandish’ sized penis (lol) but context is equally important to girth and all the jazz.
‘Since context matters, men should be thinking “fit” rather than “fat” with respect to their penis size,’ Prause told The Daily Beast. ‘In other words, women may prefer different sizes for different reasons at different times, so chances are very good any guy is someone’s ideal for the relationship type they are seeking.’
For long-term lovin’, we apparently want 6.3 inches and a circumference of 4.8 inches. For a one-night stand – described by the researcher conducting the experiment as a man who is ‘kind, intelligent, funny, and has a great job’ – the sample indicated that 6.4 inches long and 5 inches around would be best. Okaaaaay.
In other penis news, according to the results, while 15 women said they’d broken off a relationship because the dude had a tiny schlong (best synonym for penis ever), five women also broke up with men for having penises that were way too big. Because let’s be honest, that shit can get uncomfortable.
The overall conclusion? ‘Our participants preferred penises that were only a little above average.’
Well, there you go. Presumably they sold the 3D printed penises on eBay, then.
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating