Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Feeling Shit? It\\\'s Probably Because Of The Five Planets That Are In Retrograde Right Now

Feeling Shit? It's Probably Because Of The Five Planets That Are In Retrograde Right Now

The Debrief: Feeling crazy at the moment? It's probably because Mercury and a whole bunch of other planets are in retrograde (probably)

First things first; I'm a bit of a sceptic when it comes to things like star signs and full moons and tide patterns and the like having an effect on what's going on in your life.

But then I dropped my phone onto the train tracks this morning (fun fact: only several people in London are qualified to pick stuff up off tracks so my phone is still there, on the tracks, goodbye phone), dropped my coffee and managed to call a man in work 'mum'.

'Totally understandable,' a well-meaning colleage said to me when I related my morning's woes. 'There's like, so many planets in retrograde right now'. And, for the first time, I thought 'hmm, maybe there's something in this'.

So, what's the deal with a planet being in retrograde? Well, if a planet is in retrograde, it means that to us on earth, the planet looks like it's moving the other way through the sky. It's actually still going the same way but it's just an optical illusion that occurs when our (faster) earth's rotation overtakes that of the planet in question.

As of the 28th April, there's five planets in retrograde. FIVE. This hasn't happened for ten whole years. So, which planets are they? And what does this mean for you*? Lets have a look.

*Realistically, probably nothing. Don't panic.

Mercury in retrograde

The famous one. The one that people use to prove that the erratic happenings in their life aren't down to them. There's even a website; for you to quickly check to find out if your cat running away was because you didn't feed it, or is because of the way Mercury appears to be moving in the sky.

Mercury goes into retrograde three times each year and this current period lasts from from April 28th to May 22nd. According Susan Miller, the astrologist behind Astrology Zone, Mercury 'rules all types of communication, including listening, speaking, learning, reading, editing, researching, negotiating, selling, and buying.' These are the areas that become problematic during the time Mercury is in retrograde. 

So, NBD then. Fuck you Mercury.

Jupiter in retrograde

Jupiter too? Jupiter's the massive one! Jupiter has been in retrograde from January 7th and will continue to be until May 9th.

According to astrologer Dr Standley, when Jupiter is in retrograde, 'perspective and perceptions change.'

'It's not like you can't move forward, it just feels strange.' He says. 'You are still moving forward until you stop driving with the parking brake on.'

That sounds fun. Fuck you Jupiter.


Mars in retrograde

Our closest neighbour. And the planet I intend to live on one day if Richard Branson ever gets his commercial space flights situation off the ground. Me and Lance Bass, who's got some unfinished business with the space world.

Mars went into retrograde on April 17th and will remain that way until June 29th, during which time it's going to fuck up your sex life.

According to Integrala Astrology, 'Mars is also closely associated with sexuality - not the love and romance aspect of sex, but the more instinctual, desire-driven side of it' which means that some astrologers would advise you give sex, especially a new sexual relationship, a miss as you will be 'lacking' in energy in this particular area. 

Celibacy. Cool. Fuck you Mars.

Pluto in retrograde

The cute one at the end of the solar system. The one that they didn't let be a planet for a while. Pluto can't be doing that much damage can it?

Pluto is in retrograde from April 18th to September 26th this year.

Pluto in retrograde, as it turns out, is kind of a dick. According Serendipity Astrolovers, Pluto 'shows you who you really are in all your nasty glory so that you change.' It continues, 'Pluto demolishes and lays to ruin all that should not be and isn't working, in order to make a clean slate that work better.'

So, things might pick up again in September, but until then, enjoy Pluto being a massive douche.

Fuck you Pluto.

Saturn in retrograde

Saturn is the pretty one. With the rings. Saturn is known as 'the babe' of the solar system.

Saturn is in retrograde from March 25th to August 13th.

According to Astrology King, Saturn is 'the Lord of Karma.' And when a planet is in retrograde, this is the time that karma is sorted out. In other words, all those times you been a dick in the past few months are about to come back and bite you on the arse. Astrology King also says this period 'represents a time of limitation, restriction, anxiety and fear.'

Sounds great. Fuck you Saturn.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Feeling Rubbish? It’s Definitely Because Of The Moon (Probably)

What Does Mercury Being In Retrograde Mean And Why Is Everyone Terrified Of It?

Ask An Adult: Are Horoscopes Really A Load Of Old B***cks?

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons