Madeleine Knight | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 16 December 2014

9 Inevitable Instagram Christmas Cliches You'll Probably Spot In The Next Week

The Debrief: But don't worry, we've turned all those dull Christmas pictures into a FUN GAME!

If you were looking for proof that it’s actually Christmas, then look no further than your Instagram account, which by now will be flooded with pictures of Christmas trees, homemade advent calendars and Starbucks red cups.

But if you’re about to grit your teeth and unfollow 98% of your Instagram followers, don’t be so hasty. We’ve turned your Christmas Insta woes into a FUN game. Spot the following in your Instagram feed and you could WIN* some PRIZES**

So without further delay, let’s get ’strgrammin’.

1. Christmas Instagram: Annoyingly cutesy hot girl with winter rosy nose drinking her ‘first mulled wine of the season’ 

 

Subtext: ‘This is a BIG event for me as I’ll probably only have about three the whole season. Because I do things in sensible moderation and don’t end up passed out on the floor of the Biergarden at Winter Wonderland at my office outing. Tee hee! I also have a girly, high-pitched voice.’ 

Hooray! You’ve won* an ‘8 mulled wines and a blackout!’ voucher from our generous selves. (Note: we will not subsidise alcohol. We are not the Houses of Parliament bar, sadly, and you are not MPs.) 

2. Christmas Instagram: Supergreen Smoothie garnished with holly sprig (this translates as any healthy food and Christmas decoration, like a little Plasticine partridge sitting in a pear and walnut salad, etc... You get the picture.)

 

Subtext: ‘Hi to all my 245,000 followers who guaranteed me a Christmas book deal. Now it’s time to get off my Instagram and get down to Waterstones. I adore living on my cavewoman diet. Especially at Christmas when you can jazz up your regular smoothies with festive inedible decorations… mincepiemincepiemincepiemincepieSTUFFMEWITHSTUFFING… sorry, just zoned out for a sec... What was I saying?’

Hooray!! You’ve won* a ‘Most calorific drink in Starbucks’ voucher. Pop down to your closest branch and choose from either The Mocha Cookie Crumble Cappucino (580 cals), The Peppermint Hot Chocolate (590 cals) OR a White Chocolate Mocha at 620 calories. Mmmmm…  

READ MORE: Non Naff Little Dishes To Serve At Your Christmas Drinks 

3. Christmas Instagram: Skeleton of a tree on a white backdrop

 

Subtext: ‘I have had my heart stolen from me as Winter has stolen the leaves from that tree. Alas, it is unrequited and my soul must brave these winter months alone. In my cubicle. In solitude. Naked and shivering. And yet! A glimmer of hope! Next year my affections may be swayed. There is but another receptionist. Meanwhile... In’t this tree GAWJISS?’

Hooray! You’ve won* an ‘Advent Calendar Cheat Voucher’. This means you are allowed to cheat by eating three advent calendar chocolates in one day, and on the following days when you have none, eat an entire chocolate bar. Oh Sweet Sweet baby Jesus.  

4. Christmas Instagram: The Christmas onesie

 

Subtext:  ‘It’s that time of year again GUYS! The time of year where I dress up like a massive baby!!! YEEAH! I watch Made in Chelsea religiously and once saw Oli Locke wearing this and just HAD to have one. I wear pigtails with it to look super cute and childlike. Shame I have a weak bladder as it’s super hard to get out of! Awkward face emoticon. Happy face emoticon. Santa emoticon.’

Hooray! You’ve won* a ‘Dessert after every meal and a midday nap’ voucher.

*Voucher valid on the printing of this article and legally overrides holder’s employer’s needs from 3-4pm

5. Christmas Instagram: Really ugly pet in a Christmas jumper

 

Subtext: This has to be an objectively ugly animal. Pugs don’t count because some people (for some unknown bizarre reason) think they are adorable... even though their faces permanently look like confused old men who have just accidentally sharted. OK, you can have a pug if you’re struggling. 

Hooray! You’ve just won* a ‘600 extra calories for lunch’ voucher courtesy of The Debrief (gosh, we’re giving stuff away like HOTCAKES this season!). Head straight to the burger stand you usually walk past on your way to Itsu and get that cheese on melted cheese bacon burger. Training is going well. 

6. Christmas Instagram: Look! ‘I’ve Got A Crazy Christmas Jumper!’ Selfie

 

Subtext: ‘OMG I am BASICALLY Bridget Jones. I told everyone this was knitted by my Norwegian grandmother, but I only said that cuz I heard boys love Scandi women/porn. It’s actually from Oxfam and smells like someone died in it. I wonder if other people can smell it too?’

Hooray! You’ve won* a ‘You can eat Santa’s mince pie and Rudolf’s carrot off the mantlepiece on Christmas Eve’ voucher. Note this voucher is only worth redeeming if you are spending Christmas with children. They will be genuinely horrified, watching you devour them with red wine stained lips, saying, ‘Don’t worry kids! Santa’s morbidly obese anyway. I’m saving him from himself.’

7. Christmas Instagram: ‘Our First Christmas Tree’

 

Subtext: ‘My boyfriend and I have moved into a shoebox flat in Kennington and have sacrificed being able to see the TV to demonstrate domestic bliss. Now we have to have dinner at the table and I’m worried conversation might run out by New Year.’

Hooray! Single: You’ve won* a ‘Festive frolick with the next fittie you see in a Santa Hat’ voucher. Because you can. Coupled up: Sorry, no voucher for you, you’ve already got a f*ck off Christmas tree and a boyfriend.

READ MORE: Video – What Exactly Does Peeing In Public Have To Do With Christmas?

8. Christmas Instagram: Girl on girl kissing under the mistletoe

 

Subtext: ‘Calling all virile men! Look at our perfect cheekbones and jawlines suctioned by our pout-pose and imagine us keeping you warm on those frosty nights… But we’re also wife material.’ 

Hooray! You’ve won* a ‘Really long bratwurst from the South Bank Christmas Market’ voucher. You may only redeem voucher if you then take a private trip in a London eye pod, with a girlfriend and some mistletoe, and TOTALLY beat their prop use. Suggested hashtags: #winning #ilovechristmassausage #sonaughty #notwifematerial   

9. Christmas Instagram: Beach pic with Santa hats

 

Subtext: ‘F*ck you M*ddafuckahs!’

Hooray! That instagram probably reminded you that the moment Christmas is over you’ll feel depressed all of January thinking about your winter flabjacket, so today you have won a ‘Your New Year’s resolutions are ALL going to come true’ voucher. Which includes being a gymbunny. As per every year.

 Happy Holidays!!!!

*You haven’t won

**There are no prizes 

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Celebrating Your Generation Rent Christmas Trees: Show Us Yours On Snapchat 

The Kind Of Snow Dicks You’ll Meet This Wintry season

Non-Crap Christmas Specials To Get Your Jingle Balls Jingling 

Follow Maddy on Twitter @missmadeleinek

Tags: Instagram, Christmas