Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Sunday, 22 November 2015

I Got Housemates To Review Me. It Was Harrowing.

I Got Housemates To Review Me. It Was Harrowing.

The Debrief: If you want to know what you're actually like, don't ask your mates. Ask your housemates.

You know that sneaking suspicion you have that your housemate probably hates you and wants you to leave? You'll never know the truth, because very few people actually tell you what they think of you to your face. This is why I got one flatmate from every house I've lived in for the last six years to review me honestly, and they didn't hold back. There's something deeply unsettling about getting all the behaviour you thought you kept hidden thrown back at you four separate times. But it is, at the same time, pretty revealing about the sort of person you are. 

Not sure I'd recommend it though; while parts of it made me feel pretty good, other parts made me want to lock myself in a room forever/buy a studio flat and be disgusting all on my own. 

Oscar - 2010

It was by far the grossest, most disgusting student flat I've ever lived in but also one of the most fun. We had a wanking gun, where you fired a toy gun outside your room if you wanted to wank. We had windowsills encrusted with cigarette butts and walls covered in stupid posters we'd found around the campus. We hosted a satirical fancy dress party, poking fun at the ridiculous gender norms enforced on you at university called 'Sluts, Slags and UN Peacekeepers' whereby I went as a bee. It was fun. 

Tidiness

1/5 

The only tidy thing about our flat was the 'tidy sum' we paid to have it professionally cleaned when we moved out. The question 'What colour is the carpet in Stevie's room?' came up in the flat quiz and none of us could answer because we hadn't seen it for months. Turned out it was blue. You guessed 'Baked Bean', which was partially right so scored half a point. (see 'Cleanliness')

Fun

5/5

You're a cracking lass and we had a lot of fun. I'd rather watch you spill a cider on an elderly stranger than have a quiet drink with most other people I know. That said, probably sign up for a two week trial before moving in.

Conscientiousness 

4/5

You once leant me your hat and I wore it for the rest of time because it made me look like a droopy panda. I appreciate this answer might not get to the heart of whether you're conscientious. Oh, but you did make a 'Flat Journal' detailing some of the awful/brilliant things that happened to us while we cohabited. This will never, ever see the light of day because it turns out we're all arseholes, but making it was really nice so thanks Steve, great conscientiousness.

Cleanliness

1/5

Hahahahahahahahahaahah. We may as well have lived in a shit. I once saw you use soup as a bookmark. I once saw you comb tofu out of your hair and eat it. You did shower regularly, though and once washed your hair. 

Emotional support

4/5

You were always up for cuddle and, while it's hard to get help from someone using a towel as a sleeping bag, we did stay up smoking a lot and having good conversations. If someone was sad you wouldn't punch them in the face. 

Finances

3/5

I think people will have got the picture by now. Let's just say you was no Christine Lagarde!!! (MD of the International Monetary Fund. Who actually might be shit at paying bills.)

Gina - 2012 

My sister. We lived together when I didn't have anywhere to live, and she spent a lot of time amazed at my ability to explode over most rooms. It was a chilled out few months, and if anyone's ever looking for a flatmate who can cook then I'd recommend my sister. She cooks proper food and does the dishes and hoovers and she is younger than me. I'm so ashamed right now. 

Tidiness

2/5

You aren't a tidy gal. I once woke up hungover in your bed after having been away for a while and asked if we had anything in the flat for breakfast. You replied with '...I think there's an egg in the fridge but I don't know if it's real. There's also a carton of Umbongo in the cupboard that's years old.' 

Fun

5/5

You are the most fun. You have great parties, want to do fun things out and about, but also are one of those people I can sit with on the sofa for 2 hours doing nothing and piss myself laughing with. You're extremely naturally funny and happy so being around the house with you was always fun. I wish you'd gone to sleep less though so I could have had more fun with you.

Conscientiousness

5/5

You are kind. If anyone needs anything you'll do her best to sort it out. You're a bit of a hostess and always want everyone to be happy.

Cleanliness

2/5

Your personal cleanliness isn't an issue it's just the cleanliness of your environment that is sometimes an issue. Not sure you've mopped, ever. 

Emotional support

You are ma beb. You're a great hugger, a great listener, and you have some absolutely amazing insightful advice. One of those people that, when you're upset or worried, you talk to you and everything seems simple, but you just couldn't see it before. 

Finances

You take a while to pay money back, as in personal stuff. With bills you're great. This is, however because you didn't have internet banking. IT'S 2015 STEVE, STOP SENDING FIVERS TO ME VIA CARRIER PIGEON. 

Sam - 2013-15 

The first proper normal flat I lived in having moved to London, and I'm glad to see I have improved re: finances and bill paying. Sam and I were both very busy all the time but had a lot of fucking fun parties. Sam kindly didn't mention the time I forgot to double lock the back door, went home for Christmas, a storm swept in and he returned that evening to find that the back door had blown off. Conversely, I DID double lock the front door when we got burgled which protected us from the burglars' violent attempts to kick the door down so feel I have cancelled myself out. 

Tidiness

2/5

We were both as bad as each other, but you did keep a lot of the forks under your bed. There was also a bin bag behind the chair in the living room that contained, from what I could tell, ropes, hair and leaves.

Fun

5/5

You were exceptionally fun. All of our parties were rambunctious successes. Which is such a good word Google Inbox claims it doesn't exist. 

Conscientiousness

5/5

Yeah totally! You brought me beer back from the fringe and your mum gave me an advent calendar. I know that's not specifically YOU but you definitely get points for it. Also you were really chill when we nearly got burgled when, frankly, I was freaking out. You somehow had wine, without any forewarning.

Cleanliness

2/5

You ate cold corn with a spoon, is that cleanliness? There was fake tan on the walls, always. The forks under the bed thing. Quite a lot of hair. Quorn only existed as an out-of-date substance that made the fridge smell. I think you might have mopped a bit towards the end, but it was a lot easier to just have a cleaner come in. 

Emotional support 

5/5

Pretty sure we had an even deal on this one, plenty of emosh chats from both sides. I always had fags and you always had wine.

Finances

5/5

Absolutely nailed this one mate. I mean I don't think either of us can say for SURE whether we paid all of our bills in the old flat, but no-one's come chasing for them...

Danny: 2015 - present 

Fingers crossed I've slightly improved now I'm in my mid (alright, late) twenties and have a proper job with a desk and people who say 'Can you CC me in' to me, expecting me to understand what things like that means. This flat has been my favourite so far, in the sense that it's lovely and cosy, tidy (no thanks to me), friendly and our other housemate Hannah likes to have baths while watching Coronation Street. She doesn't do this a lot, it was just once, and I'd like to reiterate she also a lot of fun. We've had one party and it was a raging success. There's a dryer in the kitchen. It's like being a grownup and has set the barometer for all future flats I live in. 

Tidiness

2/5

You're not a 0, which would be unbearable. You are just sometimes unaware of the mess you make, like the spinach leaves you drop on the floor and then don't pick up so they get stuck to the floor unless someone else does it. Or like when you leave your drying out for two weeks on the drying rack even though it was definitely dry after week one. I'm also unsure that I've ever seen you use the vacuum cleaner, but I've only lived with you for two months, so...

But that's ok, because to be honest you do so much else that I'm happy to sometimes pick things up after you.

Fun

5/5

I'm never irritated by your noise, or bored by your company. You've done really well here. Though it's a 5/5 for being FUN, not funNY. That's another story altogether [this is Danny being sarcastic, I'm hilarious

Conscientiousness

You are both a 5/5 and a 2/5 depending upon how we choose to look at this. For not always tidying up after yourself, or doing much general flat cleaning, you're a 2/5. But for absolutely EVERYTHING else, you are a 100% 5/5. You always bring me things back from work, or things that you've found that remind me of you, and you always offer to cook me dinner, or buy me a birthday cake and put candles in it and sing happy birthday to me even when it isn't anywhere near my birthday. You're sensitive to my emotions, and you're an absolute megababe of a friend. If anything, you give too much emotional support and don't take enough back.

Cleanliness

2/5

Please see my response to tidiness. I don't think i need to expand any further...

Emotional support

5/5

You're always there for me bae, and I'm so so grateful. Sometimes I don't want to tell you everything, because you are so with it, that I don't want you to think I'm an emotional mess. But I would come to you with anything, and do come to you with almost everything, and I heart you. Man.

Finances

3/5

I don't necessarily trust that you'll remember to transfer rent, but when I remind you, you always pay after the 11th prompt. In full. Just a little late.

Like this? You might also be interested in...

We Got Our Friends To Rate Us. Here's The Result.

Why I'm Dumping All My Non-Essential Friends

How To Deal When Your Boyf's Your BFF And You Miss Your Friends

Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

Tags: Housemates Head To Head