How To Wee In Public (When You Don't Have A Wang)
The Debrief: How to wee in public, by someone who has done it twice and had two absolutely shockers. And a girl who is a pee-genius.
I hate public weeing, so am fully behind this new 'splashback paint' that's been apparently popping up in Germany. My boyfriend can't seem to hold it in even if we're around the corner from the flat, and I've never understood why he prefers to pee on a bush than wait ten minutes to go in the comfort of his own home. Then I realised that he has a wang, and wangs are so much easier for outdoor pissing than vaginas. In fact guys are conditioned to want to wee everywhere, just because they can. And maybe my hatred of public weeing has something to do with the fact that the two times I've relieved myself in public have been a complete and utter shambles.
So how do you do it properly, when you're wang-less?
In order to figure this out, I've enlisted the help of a mate who frequently sinks to the floor on night's out without anyone realising, otherwise it'd just be an article about me pissing on my shoes which, while amusing, isn't particularly helpful. She wishes to remain anonymous so I'll refer to her throughout as Madam Pee.
Don't: Wee in a through-road
Pick your goddamn moment. I have pissed in public twice, the first time was during my first visit to London as a student in the North East. I'd met up with a guy I fancied, and I thought he liked me! We didn't snog or anything so I drank myself into oblivion, apparently sat on the floor of the tube and threw condoms around saying things like 'Someone else take them, I don't even need them'. When we got to the destination station, was astonished that there were no toilets, so peed in an alleyway - which my friends told me the next day was actually a through-road complete with houses and cars going by. I don't remember it and I refuse to acknowledge it. 'The key to weeing is to find a good spot, and if you're too drunk to do this then you need to start getting into the habit of weeing before you leave anywhere,' says Madam Pee. 'Remind friends to remind you. Write it on your hand. Just make sure you never leave a building without a good wee. Then you'll be less likely to wee in the middle of a motorway.'
Don't: Try and wee with your pants pulled down
'You need to be commando and wearing a skirt, otherwise you'll wee all over your knickers,' Madam Pee says, succinctly. Trousers are nigh-on impossible, unless you can take them off - but this only applies when weeing up a mountain in a remote area of the Peak District at 3am. Anywhere else, and it's a bit risky to start removing full outergarments. With a skirt, you can whip your knickers off, have a squat, and away you go. But watch out for your shoes. A shoe full of pee is not good.
Don't: Forget to gather your clothes really high up and position yourself uphill
The second time I peed in public was probably worse than the first. I'd had to walk miles across London due to a transport strike, and when I got there I found that I needed the loo so badly I couldn't breathe, and that I was in the middle of a posh part of the West End where there are no alleyways. So I essentially weed on the front of a shop (it was late and nobody was around) without thinking about my position which resulted in me having to call an Uber because I'd not just peed on the shopfront, but all over myself. It was in my shoes. I think I cried. 'Get on a step and squat,' advises Madam Pee. 'And squat with your legs as far apart as you can possibly get them, because once that stream starts coming out, there won't be any stopping it. And if it's directed at your shoes, then your shoes will be covered in wee. Tilt you pelvis as far forward as possible, too, and remain uphill if you can, so the stream flows away from you.'
Don't: Pee on a shopfront
Because you'll spend three days terrified that you were caught on CCTV camera and will become a meme. Also, there's lots of splashback.
Don't: Go it alone
If there's a mate you can confide in, then you're less likely to cause a scene if you're travelling in a larger group when the urge to pee strikes. 'Having a friend you can trust, who might have tissues to hand is a good idea. They can also hold your knickers, and keep watch for pedestrians,' says Madam Pee. 'Make sure it's a good friend though, otherwise they could run off with your pants or take a picture of your and put it on Facebook.' Or, I dunno, tell you that a through-road is an alleyway and laugh while you wee in front of some nice residential houses as cars speed by.
Don't: Pee in public unless you absolutely have to
Let's face it, public weeing is fucking disgusting. Especially in cities when you walk through tunnels or subways and you can smell decades of men who couldn't be bothered finding a toilet. So don't do it unless you're in a really serious situation, otherwise you could find yourself becoming The Person Who Always Pees On Things and nobody wants that. 'The fact that you came to me and are referring to me as Madam Pee in your article makes me question my life choices,' Madam Pee said at the end of our interview. If you take anything away from this, let it be that harrowing sentiment.
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Picture: Francesca Allen
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