Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Facebook Is Building A Village For Employees - But What Will Be In It?

The Debrief: Facebook is basically about to take over the world, guys.

Facebook HQ is about to get way bigger – Mark Zuckerberg is looking to build an entire village for his employees worth $460million (over £200 million) over 56-acres of land. Anyone read The Circle? Do you reckon Mark has read The Circle?

For anyone who hasn’t, it’s about a massive social media company that builds a village for its employees, encourages everyone to work, live and breathe their company ethos, before kick-starting a sort of Big Brother-esque culture across America and taking over the world. We’d like to point out that Facebook is about to move to new headquarters in Menlo Park, California, where one in four people already work for the company.

Mark said: ‘We feel you just can’t build a corporate campus, it has to be integrated into the community.’ Cue creepy music, slowly building.

In real life terms, Facebook’s actual village would include houses, shops and hotels for workers in its attempt to brainwash their minds and turn them all into... nope, sorry, that’s The Circle again. You should read it. It’s a good book. 

But what else will feature in the village, which will expand on Facebook’s current 57-acre site? Apart from loads of USB sockets?

A Search-And-Destroy Snapchat Drone 

After trying and failing to buy Snapchat, Facebook created its own version – Slingshot – which got accidentally launched, then relaunched, and hasn’t exactly set the world on fire. Zuckerberg and pals are probably working on a drone that flies around the new village, picking up on Snapchat activity before destroying the Snapchatter with lazer beams from its angry, fiery, eyes. Or the company will demand everyone use Slingshot, which is probably worse. 

So many adverts

Considering there’ll be shops in the village, if an employee types any of the keywords related to the slot into an email, or Facebook message, then all billboards they pass will show targeted advertising.

So, for example, if you message a mate telling him you’re starving, then every ad board you pass on your way to your office will show a big bacon sandwich oozing with your face condiment.

Or maybe you won’t even have to message someone in order for the ads to target you. Maybe you just have to think it, and the ads can read your brain. 

A holding cell for those who don’t check in 

If you don’t tell everyone you’re in the pub (the Facebook pub) THEN HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE? 

Lots of greenery and outdoor activities

We just feel that Facebook will be all ‘IRL is just as important as online, guys’, while encouraging everyone to sit outside and look at a tree and touch the floor. But then check in, and share a picture on their timeline, obviously.

There’ll probably be loads of spaces for people to ‘y’know, like, get away from their desks at lunch, maan’ and an ironic playground with a ball park. OK, so this sounds brilliant. 

A statue 

Not of Zuckerberg, but of the Facebook logo. We can’t tell which would look more sinister, tbh. 

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

 

Tags: Facebook et al