Chemmie Squier | Acting Fashion & Beauty Editor | Friday, 16 October 2015

All The Texts You\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'ll Inevitably Get From Your Parents

All The Messages You'll Inevitably Get From Your Parents

The Debrief: Like the 'Zero Fucks' message. You'll get this one a lot.

When the worlds of parents and technology collide, you never bloody know what you’re going to get. Unlike us, our parents didn’t grow up with social media and instant messaging. This is a whole new touch-screen-based-world our folks are trying to navigate.

So here are all the messages your parents will inevitably send you during their smartphone-careers, and which Team Debrief have already received.

The ‘Zero Fucks Given’ message

Christ, parents can be ice-cold when it comes to messaging. My ‘text-speak’ is about as colloquial as it gets: I type things how I say them (‘Hiiiii'/'Byeee’). Parents, on the other hand, haven’t had 15 years to perfect their text-tone so will keep it short and sweet. So short and sweet, in fact, that it basically just comes across like they don’t give a fuck. Thanks, Mum.

The ‘I’m Living It Up’ message

Never before have ’rents had the ability to give someone a running commentary of their life without them actually being there. Now that they can, prepare for updates on their probably-bad-ass-AF activities.

The ‘Punctuation Has Taken A Back Seat’ message

You don’t realise the power of punctuation until you forget to put a full-stop in the right place and you end up congratulating yourself, and not the person you were messaging to congratulate.

 The ‘Sassy’ message

Sorry, Mum, but I can do without your sarky, sassy message when I haven’t been able to drop everything and answer your phone call. You don’t own me. Jeez.

The ‘Concerned’ message

Probably because they’ve had enough of you getting so drunk that you download the Greggs’ app in the hope that they’ll deliver you a freshly baked sausage roll (they won’t).

The ‘Unreasonable Request’ message

Like, hello, just because you can text me and know I will almost immediately see it because I’m addicted to my smartphone, doesn’t mean you can use me like a sat nav. I’m a real person. With feelings.

The ‘I’ve Taken This Very Literally’ text

Right, you know when you lose your phone and get a new one and ask people on Facebook to text you with their names so you can save them as contacts? Turns out parents think this applies to them.

The ‘I Don’t Get Slang’ message

It is highly likely that certain slang words have come to their attention and they’ve proceeded to get the meaning of it entirely wrong. Like when they’re trying to be all sympathetic about a situation and they chuck a ‘lol’ in there.

What they mean: ‘Lots of love’. What you think they mean: ‘I’m laughing at your pathetic excuse for a life.’

The ‘Classic Mum’ message

Sure you can go and buy yourself a new jacket, but who’s going to actually think about whether it’s machine washable? Your mum. No, seriously, your actual mother will.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Why Messaging Culture Is Fucking Up Our Relationships

The Nine Texts You’ll Get From Your Ex

10 Things That Have Definitely Happened In Your Whatsapp Girls Group

Follow Chemmie on Twitter @chemsquier