All The Girls You're Going To Drunkenly Meet In The Loos Tonight
The Debrief: ‘Cos it’s ladies’ night and the feeling’s right
Sure they're absolutely filthy, full of girls shouting, trowelling on make-up and weeing with the door open but girls loos at pubs, clubs and bars are the top of a long list of the best places for meeting, greeting and people watching in the world. Here's the girls that'll pop up in a club toilets near you, tonight and every night for the rest of time.
The awkward grumblers
It’s a well rehearsed sketch that’s probably been around since Tudor times. Find yourself in a queue of over three people and it’s only a matter of time until one person pipes up with a ‘Bet it’s not like this in the men’s!’ Cue another joiner inner; ‘I know, what are these girls doing in there?’ Everyone then rolls their eyes and lapses back into awkward silence before one girl gets sick of it and goes ‘FUCK IT, I’m going in the mens.’ Trailblazer that one.
‘I (sob) just (sob) can’t (sob) believe (sob) he/she/you would do this to me!!! (sob sob sob)'. Obviously, being the awful human being you are, you begin to eavesdrop; what crime could this person possibly have committed to reduce this poor girl to such a mess of snot, tears and broken dreams? Oh. Turns out he forgot to pick up her dress for tonight from the dry cleaners. Cool.
There’s a difference between two girls going in a loo to chat and the two girls heading in there to indulge in poorly-cut narcotics. Cue lots of awkward shuffling around in the cubicle while random shoes make cameo appearances from under the door. And kids, if you listen really hard, you can actually hear the exact moment that the motors of a thousand comedowns put their wheels into motion ready to roar into town Monday morning.
The new best mate
WHERE HAS THIS GIRL BEEN ALL YOUR LIFE. It started when she complimented your shoes, a compliment you accepted with all the awkward grace of a classic British self-loather, before you realised she was wearing THE SAME PAIR. In the queue you guys had time to bond over burgers (LOVE!), slow walkers (HATE!), Mark Ruffalo (COOL DAD OR SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH??). She disappears into a stall, you promise to meet at the bar for a drink but somehow once you’re away from the fluorescent lights and the smell of piss and vomit the magic is gone, and after an awkward wave, you part ways, never to chat again.
The man hater
Usually paired with The Crier. This girl is less about listening to the tales of woe emanating from her blubbing friends’ mouth about what Gary has or hasn’t done this time. Instead, she’s adopted a finger snapping stance that sass royalty Ru Paul herself would be proud of and is spouting a number of pre-determined lines that range from ‘He’s not good enough for you babe’, ‘men are fucking scum’ and, the classic, ‘YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM'.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating