Daniel James Turner | Contributing Writer | Saturday, 17 October 2015

How to go gay clubbing

A Straight Girls Guide To Going Gay Clubbing Without Being A Dick

The Debrief: Don't take a massive bag that needs to go in the cloakroom, don't squeal every time you see a pair of guys snogging, and don't wear heels

In one deliriously unsuccessful night, my gal pal Stevie managed to confirm – in one quick gulp of all the alcohol we had with us – how incompatible she is as a straight companion when gay clubbing. Though she’s bad (and trust me, the vodka was the icing on the cake), unfortunately for her, I go gay clubbing a lot. All night long. On Fridays, Saturdays, and pretty much any day of the week.

And I don’t want to toot my own metallic-rainbow-coloured party-horn too hard, but I’m pretty fucking good at it. That and Nandos. And just like going for a cheeky payday Nandos, gay clubs come in all spices and combinations, with a variety of condiments, and it’s all too easy to make the wrong order. 

Once you’ve been enough, you know what works best for you: I’m a grilled chicken burger, lemon and herb spicing, peri-peri chips and a bottomless soft drink (usually Coke Zero, sometimes fanta) kinda guy. Though I find it hard to believe, I’m ready to accept that not everyone can confidently walk up to the counter and make the right order first time around.

Though she’s actually pretty bloody awesome when it comes to Nandos (my metaphor was shit anyway), Stevie is one of many friends who are abysmal when it comes to discotheque homosex, so much so that she no longer wants to come with me. So this is for the Stevies of the world: if you have gay friends, and you’ve realised you’re not getting invites to their raucous nights out any more, or if you’re still not convinced that there’s anything in it for you, here’s my guide to not fucking it up.

Be prepared

When I go gay-clubbing, it takes a lot of mental and physical consideration. This includes presumptuous preparation for smoking-hot sex: landscaping my body hair, thinking carefully about what I eat should a certain sexual interaction mean that I might regret consuming anything with a high-fibre content, making sure that I’ve got all the equipment desired (a thickly veiled way of saying condoms and any booze for the journey I might feel the need for) – some things that girls probably don’t need to think about.

What you do need to join me in preparing for is a long night: gay clubs go on way into the night (my favourite club when I used to go out in Manchester was open until 8am), so have a disco nap before we go out and perhaps don’t wear ridiculously uncomfortable footwear. I won’t hold your shoes, and I certainly won’t be seen with you if you're barefooted. 

Gay clubs also get ridiculously hot, which is why you’ll often see men take their tops off en masse (raised eyebrow emoji). Wearing a velvet dress with a turtleneck and tights probably won’t leave you feeling all too comfortable by the end of the night, girls.

It’s more than highly likely that as one closes and another opens, we’ll move from club to club all night. Cloakroom queues can be so long, and I won’t want to queue again once we’ve got in if my evening companion is waiting for me on the club floor. Don’t bring a huge bag, and try not to bring a coat: let’s just shiver our way through the night, OK?

Know your audience

Stevie once came out clubbing with me to a unisex gay club, adorned with a giant L on her arm (for complicated reasons to do with rehearsals for some wanky play). She was then surprised to find that this was misunderstood as ‘L for lesbian’ by the gay women around her. As a straight woman in a gay club, the gay men and women might react to you in a way you wouldn’t expect – or, if you’re really thinking hard about it, in a way you should expect. As in, they’ll try to get off with you.

You’re definitely not surrounded by Gay Best Friends (not that you ever are, and if you even contemplate using that phrase do NOT expect gay people to stick around you for long), or women that assume you’re straight because you don’t have a short back and sides, and are not wearing a polo T-shirt with ironically termed ‘boyfriend jeans’.

Try and avoid squealing with joy when you see two hot men kissing, or making it awkward when girls do or don’t hit on you. These are things which will happen when you’re gay clubbing, so try and keep your shocked face to yourself. 

Really know your audience

I love spending time with my female friends: I love drinking with them, dancing with them, being silly with them, and making a fool of myself with them. As a gay man (did i mention I’m gay?), I don’t like kissing them. I never kiss them. I surprisingly don’t like doing anything sexual with them. So if I’m in a room with other gay men, my focus might be elsewhere. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will be.

If all of a sudden I stop bringing YESTERDAY BACK AROUND with you and start telling a strange male that, if he likes it, PUT A RING ON IT, I’d suggest that you make room for my new friend, sharpish. 

Squad goals

I hate cliches (especially being called one), but as a gay man it comes naturally to me to be a supportive shoulder (read as: I could make a killing from the amount of freelance counselling I give). I feel most vulnerable when I go gay clubbing, so I love taking Stevie because she is a great friend, and brings out the best in me. She’s a total wing-man-mega-babe, so if I don’t get a hole-in-one, she is great at between-act entertainment.

But saying things like: ‘What about him? Or him? Or him?’ is the most frustrating game to play in a room with a never-ending flow of opportunity, unless we’re suddenly on the set of Blind Date (not that we ever will be now, RIP Cilla). Basically, if you’re a girl and I’ve taken you gay clubbing with me, it wasn’t for your matchmaking skills. Just be yourself and return the hours of friendly and patient listening I’ve had to do all week.

Remember when to say no

Despite Stevie’s failings when it comes to gay-clubbing, she’s still a BFF and I do want her to come everywhere. I don’t always think about things from her perspective, though. Heaven (that’s a gay club, btw) forbid but perhaps girls don’t want to come out with me knowing that they’ll probably (lol, i wish, hopefully) have to travel home alone.

There are times that if I were to think about her needs rather than mine it would almost certainly be better if she didn’t come with me. So learn to read the situation and work out when it’s best to bow out gracefully. 

Don’t expect to get laid 

If we’re going somewhere that mixes chicks with dicks, prepare yourself: you’re about to  be surrounded by some very attractive men who just aren’t that into you. If you’re up for platonic but absolutely excellent dancing surrounded by beautiful, bootifull men, then it’s about time for our arrival.

Otherwise, you might actually want to make alternative plans, because you’re not getting dirty with my man tonight, just with the sweat and spilled vodka lime and soda of my man. 

If by now you’re not desperate to meet me IRL and come out clubbing with me, then maybe it isn’t for you. Despite her uselessness, Stevo is totes amaze when it comes to going out with, and she always has a great time. So don’t be intimidated by it – well, no more than usual.

I mean yes, there’s a high chance that you’re about to enter a den of judgement, but at least you know there’ll be some banging tunes for you to listen to. 

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How To Be A Straight Woman At Pride Without Being A Dick 

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11 Things Not To Say When Your Girlfriend Comes Out