Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Thursday, 23 July 2015

6 Great Words To Use When Referring To Your Vagina

6 Great Words To Use When Referring To Your Vagina

The Debrief: Kotex are trying to bring 'pussy' back, but HATE that word. What about calling it one of these charming alternatives?

The word ‘pussy’ is an interesting one. Mainly because even typing it makes me shudder, because I can hear it in my head and the sound reminds me of moustachio’d men in spandex, thrusting and whispering it amid a melange of smoke and flashing disco lights. With their wangs out.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s a creepy word, and very few people can use it without making me be sick in my own mouth a bit. An ex used to say it and it made me want to scratch a chalkboard with my nails just to drown out the sound. 

But hang on, Kotex has based an entire advert around it – depicting a woman and a cat alongside the tagline ‘Pamper your pussy’.

kotex

Unless they’re referring to how useful menstrual products are for actual cats, which seems unlikely, it looks like they’re trying to bring ‘pussy’ back. And while we’re so up for no-nonsense adverts telling us to be kind to our vaginas, the fact that it’s ‘pussy’ is a big problem, partly because of the creepy thing, and partly because we need a proper name for our vaginas that doesn’t sound like a little cat.

One of the best swear words is ‘prick’ as in ‘Alright, you massive prick’ followed closely by ‘bellend’ and ‘knob’. They’re all male names, about penises. All we’ve reasonably got is ‘twat’ and ‘pussy’, the former is sort of upsetting sounding and the latter is gross, unless you’re including words like ‘faff’, ‘foof’ and ‘vag’. Which sound a bit try-hard and horribly girlie – I know because I’ve written shitloads of articles where I’ve had no choice but to use them just so I don’t say ‘vagina’ all the way through like it’s a biology lesson.

For the sake of semantics, for the sake of conversation, and for the sake of avoiding fluffy, airy-fairy, stupid words like ‘faff’ and ‘foof’, here are some alternatives. 

Truck

You transport things in trucks, you transport things in vaginas (Tampons! Babies! Other things by accident, like guns!). Truck drivers are traditionally male and reside inside the truck. Males traditionally like to reside inside the vagina. Females can totally drive a truck, just like females can totally ‘drive’ (lol) a vagina. You can fit a dildo in a truck. Alright, that’s getting weird, but you see my point, right? Oh. 

Doodle

I think this would really liven up dirty talk, and inject a bit of fun into the sexual proceedings. Nothing worse than someone whispering, ‘I love your pussy’ during a romp (apart from maybe, ‘Great foof’), but who wouldn’t enjoy a compliment regarding their ‘doodle’? Great doodle. Is that your doodle? Stop laughing because it’s making it difficult to remain in your doodle. 

Brong 

Good, strong, nonsense word. Sounds a bit like it could be rude, but not as upsetting as other made-up strong nonsense words I thought of, like ‘gint’ and ‘kung’. Get your brong out for the lads. It’s fun to say and sounds a bit like the bonging of a clock which is fitting because... er, alright, so it’s not fitting, but people love vaginas, just like people love clocks. There we go, seamless.

Warrington-Smythe

I’ve always been upset that men can refer to their Johnsons and women don’t have any equivalent, so let’s start using a surname for our vaginas and fuck it, let’s make it double barrelled. If guys can have hilarious names for their wangs (like ‘wang’), then we can have hilarious names for our vaginas. Next time you’re at the gynacologist, try telling them you’ve been feeling a bit strange ‘around your Warrington-Smythe area’ and watch them try to keep a straight face. 

Vagine 

Rhymes with ‘tagine’. Y’know, bit exotic. 

Purse 

This is one that a guy actually used when having sex with my friend. He referred to her vagina as a purse, and sort of requested he get inside it in what he clearly thought was an incredibly erotic manner and she wasn’t sure whether she’d misheard, so gave him the benefit of the doubt until he said it again, with better articulation. It’s actually alright, because it sounds a bit like ‘pussy’, but without the awfulness and makes sense because you could probably fit a fair bit of change up there. 

If you have any other suggestions for referring to your brong, then feel free to tweet us at @thedebrief so we can start spreading the word. 

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