Anonymous | Writer | Wednesday, 9 September 2015

What Happened When I Went On 28 Tinder Dates in 28 Days

What Happened When I Went On 28 Tinder Dates in 28 Days

The Debrief: 28 back-to-back Tinder dates? Horrifying and eye-opening in equal measure...

Look, everyone's tried Tinder at some point, but what's it like to *really* try it – by going on a date Every. Single. Day for a whole month? We ask Tinder Girl (for that is not her real name) to give it a go and the results were... mixed. Tinder Girl is personable, outgoing, pretty easy on the eye and can spell, so actually getting the dates was a walk in the park. Going on the dates was also a walk in the park. Central Park in the late ’80s.

Here's what happened next 

1. Mr Whip My Cock Out on the First Date, 35, Interior Designer

The first Tinder date, as I expected, was a complete disaster and I was tempted to pack it all in. For some stupid reason, I agreed to meet him at his house (rule number one: never arrange to meet a guy you've never met before at his house, kids). I did, however, text his name and address to a friend with instructions to call the police if I don’t message her by midnight and to check for my remains in the nearby port. The guy was very into DIY interior decorating as was made evident by a massive canvas made solely of buttons in the hallway. He was apparently 'the only straight guy in the business in the area' and proud of it. I was admiring the canvas of buttons, wine in hand, when I turned around and there he was, cock in hand, smile on face. I looked him up and down a couple of times, pokerfaced, and after a few seconds, just said: 'No.' He apologised and zipped himself back up. I left and promised to keep in touch. I have not kept in touch.

2. The Incredibly Short Guy, 29, IT Consultant

Thank goodness I was sitting down at the bar when this little bundle walked up to the table I was waiting at. This guy was teeny. Think small boy rather than Tom Cruise. I told him from the off that I was doing research on Tinder because I didn’t want him to make a move on me as I would surely burst out laughing. He seemed disappointed, but he gave me a lot of background info on his experiences on Tinder, so that was nice. 

3. Mr Trident, 28, SWAT Policeman

This was a gorgeous male specimen I was dying to get it on with right from the first swipe. We didn’t have much in common and conversation was limited, but I just enjoyed looking at him the whole time. Then he got closer to me… and oh my word, the breath. It wasn’t good. At all. Where do you go from that? Home. Alone. That’s where.

4. Mr BFF #1, 33, DJ

Me and my Tinder BFF knew from the beginning of our interaction that we were destined to be together. 'I don’t know if anything will ever happen with us,' he said, 'but I definitely know we will be friends.' And so it happened. We met at the bar where he works, realised straight away that nothing would ever happen between us, and have seen each other many times since. We exchange dating advice/horror stories. I’ve even set him up with a couple of my friends. My first Tinder success (I think I may be doing Tinder wrong).

5. Mr Celebrity, 32, Actor

When I swiped right on this guy, I thought it was a farce because I recognised him as a TV actor from around a decade ago. He immediately wanted to meet, which we did and, lo and behold, it was actually him. We hit it off, actually, although I pretended I didn’t recognise him and feigned surprise when someone approached him for an autograph. There was a bad kiss at the car, which should have set alarm bells ringing. Unfortunately, I took it further and now wish I could have a lobotomy. It surprised me how someone with all the free sex that comes along with fame could be so bad in bed. I decided to friendzone him because, if you exclude the whole sex thing, we actually had a good time.

6. Mr Adonis, 24, Entrepreneur/Semi-Pro Basketballer

This guy was too good to be true. Gorgeous, tall, smouldering, mature and successful. Unfortunately for me, he is also 24 and in the prime of his playing-the-field days. The date went well (from what I remember – I was too busy looking at his mouth the entire time and imagining it on me). We went for a night-time drive and parked in the hills to 'see the view.' We both needed to pee so we went in separate directions to do so. Ever the gentleman, he handed me wet wipes and tissue paper. When we were consecutively done peeing, he took me by the hand and hugged and kissed me. The chemistry was apparent from the start and the sex was incredible. We clicked in every single way and I was on cloud nine for days afterwards. I must make sure to never see him again or it’ll be the death of me.

7. Mr Best Tinder Date Ever, 36, Telephone Communications

I swiped right on Mr Best Date Ever because of a picture of him lying down next to a lion. I knew that there wouldn’t be any attraction, but I was secretly hoping it was his pet lion and I would get to meet it. We immediately hit it off talking about animals and he invited me on a date… to the zoo. It was one of the best days ever. All the zoo workers knew him because he has a season ticket… to the zoo! We walked around the whole zoo and even saw the dolphin show. I turned up with unwashed hair and no makeup on, and apparently I was 'just his style.' Aww that’s nice. Call me again when you get a pet lion.

8. Mr Can I Put My Tongue in You?, 35, Café Owner

This handsome fella with piercing blue eyes happens to live right near me. I was really busy this particular day so we agreed to meet briefly nearby and go for a walk. As handsome as he was, there wasn’t much conversation and he seemed a bit abrupt. We went our separate ways, agreeing that I would message him when I got some time. Later that evening, while finishing up I got a message from him: 'Hi baby, would you like me to come over and put my tongue in your pussy?' Block and delete.

9. Mr Literally Came in his Pants, 26, Gourmet Chef

Mr LCIHP is a gourmet chef at a top city restaurant who is quite a dish himself (GEDDIT?). We went out to a café around noon on a weekday and had a really good time. It was clear that we wanted to take each other’s clothes off right then and there. Unfortunately, he had work to do and so did I, so we had to make do with a walk to the car to say goodbye. When he got up he shyly pointed out the wet patch on his leg, and said that he was so horny sitting with me in the café that he leaked. I really didn’t know how to feel about this, but I kissed him anyway and it was very good. But I couldn’t possibly continue to see him after that. Could I? 

10. Mr Paranoid, 25, Entrepreneur

When arranging our date, the conversation was so dry and formal, ('Wanna meet?' 'Sure.' 'Is 10 Ok?' 'Yes.' 'Where?' 'In Town.' 'Cool.' 'CU there.') that a few minutes later I messaged him back saying that I can’t do this, it feels too weird. His response was that it was weird for him too, which made me feel better so I decided to go. I was running about 20 minutes late and while I was on my way he text and said he was nervous and felt like people were looking at him. I thought he was just being cute so I called him up and started our date telephonically. This guy was gorgeous; tall, fit, ambitious, with piercing blue eyes, and he was wearing an impeccable suit. He looked like someone who had it together. He didn’t. He kept looking around the whole night like someone was out to get him or like he was on the run. We had our drink, called it a night after around an hour, and he whizzed off on his scooter. No idea what that was all about.

11. Mr Heavy Metal, 34, Owner of Rock Bar/DJ

Mr Heavy Metal, not being big on messaging, asked for my telephone number pretty much straight away. A few friendly phone-calls ensued and he invited me to go to his bar. I went and felt like I was in an episode of an American sitcom. Stereotypical middle-aged rockers with glasses, Metallica T-shirts, round glasses and either (a) long straggly hair or (b) no hair (through no choice of their own). He was taller and handsomer than his pictures had led me to believe and he was quite handsy and even kissed me when I left. The date was OK, I guess. I was quite busy the next few days (what with all my Tinder research) and forgot to reply to his messages, which didn’t go down too well. I got an: 'I’m sorry, obviously I’m intruding. I won’t bother you again,' message and an ‘unfriend’ from Facebook. Fair enough. 

12. Mr Gentle Giant, 32, Lifeguard

This guy was massive. Ridiculously massive. At  7ft 1, he towered over my 5ft 2 self – it was laughable. We looked ridiculous together and both acknowledged it. We spent the whole night laughing, and taking pictures of our hands and feet next to each other and sending them to our respective friends. I decided he would be better suited to someone who doesn’t need a foot ladder to kiss him on the cheek.

13. Mr Little Drummer Boy, 25, Drummer

This one played it quite hard to get at first. At some point I asked why he was not very talkative and he said that he doesn’t like talking to strangers. I felt like the guy in the relationship at this point. We arranged to meet for a beer which turned into half a dozen (each) and ended up watching the sunrise at my house. He was a gentleman and didn’t make a move. The fact that the next day he messaged me telling me how much he regretted being a gent and that he wishes he had crammed me in a corner and had his wicked way with me is neither here nor there. On the date, he was a class act.

14. Mr Ish, 24, Footballer

This date is a top contender for the most boring date of my life award. The guy was handsome-ish. Normal-ish personality. Fit body. No ish. I felt like I was on an interview and had to keep trying to make conversation until I just didn’t have anything else to say. So I took him home and had sex with him. What else was I to do? 

15. Mr NOT THE PERSON IN HIS PHOTO, 45 (claimed to be 31), Profession? Who knows

See, this was the reason I was hesitant about doing this whole project. No. 15 claimed he was 31. When a middle-aged man turned up and offered me his hand, claiming he was the guy who had been messaging me, I’m sure my face spoke a thousand words, most of them beginning with F. He bought me a drink, but spent the whole night looking at his phone, probably trying to find his next victim on Tinder since it was touch and go whether I would throw my drink at him at any given moment. I left after around 15 minutes. He feigned surprise and I feigned apology.   

16. Mr Normal, 32, Holiday Rentals

I don’t have anything much to say about this one. It was the most normal date you could possibly go on. We just got to know each other; what we do for a living, where we live, where we like to go on holiday, hobbies, etc. The only interesting thing that happened the whole night is that the barman got into a fight with a punter and we enjoyed watching it while eating popcorn and glugging our beers. We said we’d keep in touch. We haven’t spoken since.

17. Mr Anticipation, 28, Policeman

For some reason, this guy turned up on my Tinder even though he was over 100 miles from me. We got to talking and clicked. We liked each other and stayed up at night talking and texting. I decided to be daring and take the long drive up to meet him. He was really excited about this, in fact, we both were. There was so much build up, and even talk of using actual police handcuffs… it was bound to be great, wasn’t it? It wasn’t. The end. Chemistry, chemistry, wherefore art thou, chemistry?

18. Mr Near Miss, 31, Jeweller

I really enjoyed talking to 18, who is a very friendly chap I was not at all attracted to. He also had a stutter, which got worse as we went through the beers. After a few more beers, I also had a stutter. We decided to go on a trip to the seaside. Call it a sign from God, but for some reason, a torrential downpour to rival the flood of Noah started and stopped us from getting to any base. I owe you one, big guy.

19. Mr Fit, 33, Owner of Extreme Sports Centres

Kayaking, canoeing, stand-up paddle boarding, bungee jumping, climbing and wind-surfing are but a few of the activities that Mr Fit is into. He brought his dog along to the date, a massive Staffie with the biggest head I’ve ever seen on a dog, who looked like a canine version of Mr T, gold chain and all. After nearly killing a Labrador and a couple of pedestrians, Mr Fit decided to take his dog home but not before inviting himself (and the dog) around to mine. I declined. 

20. Mr BFF #2, 42, Accountant

Again, in a tragic case of 'not really getting how Tinder works,' I swiped right because I was more interested in the animals in #20s photos, rather than him. We went out and it just so happened that we got on really well. A man who can make me laugh who I’m not attracted to in the slightest? I like you; get in my friendzone, you little dirtbag.

21. Mr Suave, 28, Writer

Mr Suave is handsome and he knows it. Like, really handsome. Full head of thick black hair, amazing deep eyes, and a smile that made me literally (not literally) wet myself. The date was good, we went to a stand-up bar and had a large cocktail each. At goodnight, he invited me back to his place and I told him I would be a lady and decline, but we could meet up again if he wants to. He said: 'I want to.' Nice one, Mr Suave. I sent him a goodnight message. Which turned into phone sex. 

22. Mr Snooze Fest, 27, Professional Swimmer

How I managed to stay awake for this one is beyond me. I downed my drink and left for home the soonest possible to watch Game Of Thrones. In all honestly, and credit to the guy, the fact that Game Of Thrones was waiting for me at home could have been the whole reason why I didn’t want to be on this date. I could have been out with Brad Pitt and I still would have been checking my watch. But #22 did not entertain me in the least. On to the next.

23. Mr Already Friends, 33, Swimming Coach

Turns out that Mr Already Friends and I know most of the same people, have many mutual friends and go to the same places. We even remembered that we had actually met before. We had a good time but the best part of the date was when it was crashed by his 21-year-old, 6ft 5 neighbour who is going through his first heartbreak. He started telling us all about it, teary-eyed, all the while apologising for ruining our date. I told him not to worry and gave him some pearls of wisdom about life and heartbreak, which I think he really appreciated. 

24. Mr Unprotected, 30, Personal Trainer

It was all fun and games, banter back and forth, laughs, realising that we have a lot in common, acknowledging a mutual attraction… until his fateful announcement. 'I don’t wear condoms because they make me go soft, and this is why I prefer to have relationships.' Right. 

25. Mr Misogynist, 24, Security Guard

I have absolutely no idea why I agreed to a date with this guy (perhaps I was trying to get to 28 as fast as I could, this was becoming the weirdest month of my life). The guy was clearly depressed and I ended up psychoanalysing him and offering advice, trying to find out what the problem was and how he could be helped. He said that his main problem (and why he calls women 'whores'), was that girls sleep with him once and then never sleep with him again. I asked if he had a small willy to which he tried to whip it out then and there but I managed to stop him just in time. We settled on him showing me a dick pic instead. It was not small. So, I asked: 'Do you go down?' His reply was: 'No, because they smell.' I did a little ‘TA-DAH’ tap-dance, and just like that, provided him with the answer he’d been so looking for. What a productive day.

26. Mr WTF, 30, Restauranteur

Really tall, really fit, really handsome. Not much else to say about this one apart from that at some point during coitus he stuck his finger in my bum, smelled it, and promptly came. Literally nothing else to say. 

27. Miss Tinder, 25, Student

Getting to the end of my Tinder run (and after being turned off men after #26), I decided to change my Tinder settings to seeking 'men and women.' I had a couple of female matches but annoyingly, none of them (apart from 27) spoke to me first. Now I know what Tinder males feel like. 27 is a gorgeous woman who sussed me out quite quickly and realised that I’m not gay. She was very forthcoming in answering any questions I had about what it's like to be a lesbian on Tinder. I set her up with a friend of mine, and they seemed to click. I’m the original Tinder pimp.

28. Mr Maybe The One…?, 33, Paramedic

Up until I met #28, I viewed all my dates as experiments and thought very little about them after the said date. I’d matched with 28 towards the beginning of this project and we’d been exchanging messages since. He was never crass, always polite and made me laugh. I started to really like him even before we’d even met, which shocked me because this whole thing was supposed to be an experiment. We went out and had a blast and are still seeing each other. After 28 Tinder dates (and an appointment with a therapist) it would appear, and much to my surprise, that I have a Tinder boyfriend.

There are really only 2 possible reactions to these experiences: 

(1) Feel encouraged that dating has been made so easy and now you can meet people at the swipe of your phone; or

(2) Deactivate Tinder, delete the app, throw your smartphone into a furnace, have a scolding hot shower with Dettox while screaming the Lord’s name repeatedly.

We leave it to your discretion.

Like this? Then you may be interested in:

Lose Your Lunchtime To Kelly Clarkson Singing Tinder Profiles

Tinder's Dating 'Apocalypse' Isn't Quite Done Yet

All The Things Cilla Black And Blind Date Taught Me About Dating

Tags: Tinder, Relationships