Scouse Bird | Contributing Writer | Thursday, 11 June 2015

15 Signs You\\\\\\\'re Getting Old(er)

15 Signs You're Getting Old(er)

The Debrief: From holidays minus the STDs to wrinkly hand fear, these are the actual signs you're getting on a bit

I’m turning 30 next week. Unlike when I turned 26 and had a bit of a quarter life crisis meltdown, this particular milestone is one I’m feeling very zen about. Recently I’ve found that things that used to appeal to me now fill me with apathy or even outright hate.

Tick any of these off the list, and you’ll probably feel fairly cool about leaving your twenties too... 

1. You get excited over a sunny day 

Not for topping up your tan or day drinking, but for hanging your washing out.

2. You actually stop going for gobshites

Lads, you might think being an arsehole is OK because girls like a bad boy, but be warned – you have a shelf life. Buck up your ideas or prepare for some lonely nights cry-wanking into the mirror wondering where it all went wrong.

3.Your parents aren’t trying to stop you from getting pregnant anymore

In fact, they’re actively encouraging it. 

4. When buying wine, you don’t go for the ‘8 bottles for £10’ option

You buy one bottle for £10 because your sole aim isn’t to get shitfaced; it’s to enjoy it.

5.You start obsessing over parts of your body you’ve never obsessed over before

Yeh yeh, I’m never gonna have a flat stomach but WHY DO MY HANDS LOOK WRINKLY???

6.You start leaving passive aggressive notes for people 

Noisy neighbours, selfish parkers, people who steal your bins – they all get an anonymous but extremely sassy piece of your mind.

7.The thought of a couple of rolls of wallpaper and a new duvet set becomes more appealing than a new pair of shoes

I swear, it really does. 

8. B&Q Sundays are a thing 

You start off feeling like you don’t really identify with the fella next to you looking at different types of screws, until you realise he’s your age and you’re doing the exact same thing.

9. You start questioning your own mortality

It only seemed like five minutes ago your dad was dragging you round B&Q and it was the absolute dullest place on earth. Where did all the time go?

10.You ask yourself ‘Where did all the time go?’ a lot

11.You start repeating a lot of weird phrases that only your mum says

Then you realise you’re on the couch on a Friday night in a fluffy white dressing gown, watching Sleepless in Seattle with a bottle of prosecco and you actually are your mum.

12.You do things properly

Tidying your room doesn’t consist of straightening the duvet over and taking the empty mugs downstairs anymore; it’s a full-scale operation. You won’t be content until all your clothes are hung and folded, and things you don’t wear anymore are in piles for eBay and the charity shop. That’s all before you’ve used your latest toy: a Vax carpet cleaner. This happens even to the laziest of us.

13.You were a fan of PJ & Duncan back in the day

You had a bedroom covered in posters and fantasised about marrying girly-faced Dec (no-one wanted Ant with that fod and eyebrows) – but now they’re a couple of cheeky chappies providing light entertainment and terrible slapstick jokes on BGT and I’m a Celeb, and you’re a fan all over again..

14.You’re (a bit) better with money now

You pay your bills on time, when you move house you don’t swerve all the catalogues you have open, and you’re not nearly as blasé about maxing out your credit cards. You’ve lived through a debt hangover and it’s not a good time.

15. Those #Maga2015 tweets fill you with dread 

You want more from your holidays now – a week in Maguluf getting shitfaced and shagged sounds about as appealing as a case of chlamydia – which is rife there. You want to go exploring temples in Thailand or tasting real pizza in Italy and have stories to take home rather than STDs. 

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Picture: Francesca Allen