Halloween Through The Ages: The Weirdest Photos On The Whole Of The Internet
The Debrief: You thought Halloween happy hour at Vodka Revs was scary…
Halloween through the ages: the weirdest photos on the whole of the internet
Ahh, Halloween – the OTHER most wonderful time of the year! A time for love and family and pumpkin in everything and finally using that latex spray you’ve never had a purpose for.
A season full of charming/terrifying photo opps, even way back before we had Instagram filters and YouTube tutorials. In fact, it turns out Halloween has been a proper riot of photographic intrigue since long before Regina George first put on bunny ears.
We had a flip through the family album of the internet. Join us, won’t you?
1. That time we all tried to eat a raw potato without using our hands
‘So what you’re saying, Dave, is that if we eat this whole raw potato without using our hands, Jesus will appear, banish all the evil demons and have a dance party?’
‘Yeah, that’s right.’
‘And you’re sure it’s THE Holy spud? Like, God, Jesus and the Holy Spud?’
‘Pretty sure that’s what the guy in the shop said.’
2. That time these guys met the love of their life
‘Yuh-huh, I told y’all my girlfriend was a regular Cinderella! She’s just, like, the post-midnight version. Some people might say a relationship between a man and a gourd ain’t right, but I say quit judgin’ and start loving.’
‘And hey, she might not be as purdy as some but she sure makes a darn tootin’ good pie.’
3. That time she realised Tindering on Halloween was a bad idea
Marjorie was disappointed to find her Halloween Tinder date was, as usual, just one giant boner.
4. That time... OK we have no idea
The trouble with Halloween costumes is that they’re just so gender stereotypical. Little boys get to be knights in shining armour, riding huge blue penises… while little girls have to make do being feeble damsels in distress with nothing but a mimsy PINK penis.
Where are the giant purple vaginas, guys? WHERE’S THE EQUALITY?
5. That early-20th century production of Macbeth
This wasn’t actually Halloween at all, just an early 20th century version of the Whole 30 diet. No refined carbs, no processed sugar, no hands – just apples in water, eaten on a full moon under the supervision of Manuel from Fawlty Towers. If you don’t mind neck ache and a perpetually wet chin, slimming has never been so easy!
6. One of the first ever #Halloween Instagram posts
This is 9pm.
Cut to 2am, she’s wearing just the capelet over an M&S spanx bodysuit daubed in ketchup, holding her mate’s hair back outside Electric Ballroom while a man dressed as Amy Winehouse asks her if she wants to hold his broom.
‘My night out – Hallow’een!,’ she will write on Facebook, followed by all the dancing and booze emojis.
7. That time these clowns tried to have a romantic night in
When you want to go the party as ‘satirical sexy zombie Angela Merkel and Jeremy Corbin’, but bae is all, ‘Nah, let’s just do the clown pyjamas again. I want to get more wear out of my ruff.’
8. That time things got seriously shady at primary school
‘Crazy party, huh? Weird how those creepy ghost people appeared and psychically forced us all to eat those apples!' Margaret will say the next morning, popping a Gaviscon.
‘But Margaret,’ the others will say, slowly. 'What creepy ghost people? It was just us five and Timmy’s tiddlywinks set, all night.’
9. That time everyone realised how much a nose can look like a penis sometimes
An incredible idea for a costume, this one… until the middle pal gets bored of hilarious people asking how they smell and decides to go solo as a giant knob instead. ‘What happened to Pauline?!’ people will ask as the other two walk around looking like a tasteless leprosy joke. ‘Nobody nose!’ they reply.
Except it’s hard to hear the gag because it’s muffled by papier maché. They go home early.
10. That time David Dickinson got his orange cape out
Reassurance for all those times you’ve sat bolt upright in the middle of the night and wondered what ever became of David Dickinson. He’s fine, guys! He’s doing great.
11. ...aaand, he’s still here
No seriously, look! He’s found an antique pumpkin cocktail cabinet that will fetch at least £12.99 at auction. Well done, David. You keep at it.
12. Early sexy witch
I don’t know about you, but one of the things I hate most as a woman is when you’re trying to put your 15 denier tights on while wearing stilettos and reading your book of Anglo Saxon spells, and you go arse-over-tit and accidentally curse your breasts to always point due North. I really, really hate that.
13. Introducing Halloween-Folk fusion band Distresssed Cat
‘Yah, so I’m doing, like, a gig with my band on Halloween… Just some acoustic pyschobilly folk mariachi Dusty Springfield covers, the usj. Should be pretty sweet if you want to come along? We’re actually the only band in the UK currently using a distressed cat instead of a bassist. NME is lapping that shit up.’
14. Headless ghost meets high-street punk
What we have here, guys and gals, is a visual illustration of a classic Halloween dilemma: sexy or scary? Do you wuss out and go for something flattering, like a long white Victorian nightie, sassy navy pop socks, nice silver mules and your own head as a clutch bag, or do you go scary, in your Mom’s high-street polyester approximation of ‘punk’?
There is no right answer. Only your heart can guide you.
15. Season one audition of Gogglebox
‘So far,’ thought Moira, the axe hovering only inches from her neck, ‘we are TOTALLY BOSHING this Gogglebox audition.’
‘So long as he doesn’t get worked up over the X Factor semis again, we’re golden.’
16. That time Little Bobby showed off his pumpkin trick
There was really only a small window of the year in which it was useful to have a brother who shat out entire fully-formed pumpkins, and this was it. ‘Keep going, Little Bobby!’ we would shout from the window, while the neighbours threw stones and yelled across the yard. ‘Momma’s seen another squash spiced cheesecake on Pinterest!’
(FYI Little Bobby is crying not with the pain or humiliation, but because the kids at school called his outfit ‘matchy-matchy’).
17. Sexy witch #2
When your mate asks if want to join her group dressing up as ‘slutty zombie Spice Girls’ for Halloween because someone’s dropped out and Emily’s already spent £50 on an Afro wig and leopard-print bralet.
You’d have to be Sporty. That’s OK, right?
18. Wise witch health and safety
‘Yeah this is all adorable,’ sulked Brenda under her itchy eye mask. ‘But I thought we were doing a ouija board or I wouldn’t actually have come.’
19. That time Sven realised he was probably adopted
He knew it sounded crazy, but Sven had always had a suspicion he was adopted. There were just little signs. For one thing, his parents and sister all really loved broccoli, while he found broccoli tolerable at best.
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