Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Friday, 26 June 2015

Prince George Brings Crocs Back NO NO NO NO. CROCS NO NO.

Prince George Brings Crocs Back NO NO NO NO. CROCS NO NO.

The Debrief: Croc sales are surging again. Why are you all buying them. Please stop?

Little Prince George was recently pictured in crocs because he's a child and comfort is the number one priority for his little kid-feet, but now sales of crocs have surged. We were so close, guys. They'd been declining in popularity since 2011 and now they're surging again?!

And before people start going 'But they're really comfor-' NO. Stop talking. Stop talking and stop buying them. Then they'll slowly die out, and become a distant memory because - think about it - how can light-up trainers have fallen out of favour but crocs are still going strong? Those trainers have little effing lights on them, and people stopped wearing them but will continue putting shopping baskets on their feet? Baffling.

I don't often rant about fashion items because a) I don't really understand fashion and b) I think everyone should be free to wear whatever they like. Except for crocs because they literally make the wearer look like a mad person. Yes, even the black ones. And if you've put socks on with them then you might as well walk around wearing a dress made of yams. 

To avoid this becoming just one big stupid rant about a person (me) not liking crocs, I've laid out my thoughts in a subheaded fashion and attempted to be as objective as possible. 

They're stupid 

Uggs are comfortable and a bit stupid, but you can't be wholly offended by them due to the fact that they look like little foot-sofas. When someone says theyre comfortable, you can't help but nod and half-wish your feet were in them. Crocs, however, resemble shopping baskets. They resemble lava lamps and inflatable bags of the late 90s, but not in a good way. Remember Cleopatra, the girl band who wore big swimming goggles on their heads? Yeah, that's what your feet look like. How has a cross between jelly sandals and clogs become something grown people justify by telling people 'they're good for gardening in'? Wear trainers. Wear wellies. Wear mirrored disco balls. Anything else, please. 

Prince George is a baby

He doesn't understand what he's doing, and Kate Middleton probably couldn't see what she was putting on his feet because of her giant hat. Either way, why have sales gone up because a toddler is wearing a pair of shoes? It's faintly depressing that we all look towards a toddler to figure out what to put on our own toddlers/feet. Don't let your toddler grow up with pictures of it (him/her) wearing crocs, because when they're 21 they'll never forgive you. 

They ruin everything

I've run some scientific tests with my eyes, and am yet to find anything that crocs don't ruin. You can't wear anything that isn't instantly rendered weird after putting them on. They take you from 'human' to 'alien' in less than ten seconds. 

They're part of a conspiracy 

OK hear me out, it's not a conspiracy like chemtrails or the Illuminati. It's a conspiracy by Crocs themselves to make people look as silly as possible for their own entertainment - like a vast trolling campaign, but for everyone's feet. Yeah, you're being foot-trolled. Every time Crocs fall slightly out of favour, someone else is pictured wearing them and the cycle begins again - why? So the company can sit around shitting themselves laughing at why you're still buying them. Either that, or they're transmitting silent waves of energy into our minds controlled by a central power run by lizards which will eventually wipe out the human race. It's either/or. 

Alright, it was a big stupid rant. I'm sorry everyone. 

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Tags: Fashion Questions