Debrief Staff | Contributing Writer | Saturday, 5 September 2015

GEMMA STYLES

Gemma Styles: ‘Why Is The Internet Basically Covered In Dick Pics Right Now?’

The Debrief: Seriously, they're everywhere. So pay attention chaps - here's my guide to how *not* to send a dick pic...

Once upon a time there was a magical place: a land of dreams, where anything was possible and people around the world could achieve beautiful things together. That place was called the internet… and then a bunch of dudes came along and covered it in cocks.

While this might not be the most accurate historical yarn ever spun, there’s no denying the fact that we have apparently stumbled head first (heh) into the age of the ‘dick pic’.

One particular guy has got himself into the papers this week and given a lot of people a right old laugh with his fleshy faux pas. The 23 year old from Aurora, Illinois was actually having a pretty good week – after receiving a great new job offer in Chicago he was apparently full of the joys, and riding the wave of confidence, decided to woo some lucky young woman… by sending her a picture of his, ahem, little friend.

He never got a reply. Understandably puzzled, he decided to send a second image to the girl. Again no reply. Presumably concerned for her safety (was she incapacitated and unable to use her thumbs to text back?), he gave her a call… only to realise he had in fact been messaging the Human Resources manager at his new job.

Needless to say he won’t be working there any time soon. This story is meant to be a funny one – but the more I thought about it, the more this guy’s behaviour annoyed me. So to avoid further confusion, here’s my guide to how *not* to send a dick pic… 

NB: This particular story is about a man, with a penis, who sent pictures to a woman. However, in the advice below, please assume that all references may be substituted for whatever gender/sexuality/genitals you are lucky enough to wave about.

Don’t: run before you can walk

You know the classic advice to ‘open with a joke’? Tried and tested. So tell me pal, are your genitals a joke? The most WTF part of the above story to me was that this guy decided to open a conversation with some unsuspecting girl by sending her pictures of his penis. What happened to hello? Am I getting old?

While I’m well aware that I can’t speak for everyone in this case, if I was the recipient of a very much unsolicited picture of your wang, my first response isn’t going to be especially warm. Got a great one? Congratulations. Save it for someone who’s asking. 

Don’t: be a penis pest 

Continuing on through our cautionary tale – you’ve got to read your audience. Exploring the mind of our unfortunate protagonist, we’ve sent our saucy selfie to our potential new partner and received no response. At this point we’re not aware that the actual recipient was the, at best bemused, HR manager, so what is the best course of action? Hmm. Probably send another one. What’s better than one picture of my penis? Two, of course. 

If you’ve not got the dick pic reaction you expected, whether it’s silence or something else, try a different approach? Not everyone will send these pictures to relative strangers – even if it’s someone you’re seeing, don’t assume they enjoy the same things you do. They might really like you, doesn’t mean they get their thrills from seeing your dimly lit groin on their iPhone screen when they’re trying to text their nan – just a thought.

Don’t: forget about the consequences 

In this case, the consequences were quite specific – the guy lost his new job. However, he’s certainly not the only person to have got sacked for issues related to nudity. You’ve got to live under a rock not to have heard all the revenge porn stories in the media recently and, however unfairly, the victims tend to suffer the most punishment.

Guys or girls, always be aware, images you send out are damn near impossible to get back once they’re gone. If you’re two consenting adults, who have actually expressed the desire to exchange JPEGs of your junk, then more power to you – more body confidence all round, I say.

Remember though, when you think about all the people who’ve fallen victim to the utterly shitty act of revenge porn – I doubt they thought they’d end up there. Your boyfriend or girlfriend might be the best person ever but – sad truth – some people turn out to be massive twats. 

For the poor young bloke who lost his job, this is an excellent lesson in checking your phone numbers properly. But for him and everyone else there’s a much bigger lesson in dick pic etiquette to be learned. Manners with your mammaries and tact with your todgers, please.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

My Name Is Gemma Styles And I’m A Phone-A-Holic

Gemma Styles: Why Your Perfect Instagram Is A Big Fat Lie

Gemma Styles’s Guide To Facebook 

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