Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Friday, 12 June 2015

5 Reasons Why I Don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t Understand Goodfellas, By A Girl

5 Reasons Why I Don't Understand Goodfellas, By A Girl

The Debrief: 'I'm not a man, and so I just can't relate to films like men can, or appreciate films on the same level because my goddamn boobs keep getting in the way.'

I first watched Goodfellas when I was 13, and then again when I was 16, then again at university, then again a couple of years ago, and I still just don’t get it. I’ve got the DVD and I keep watching, and watching, but it just feels like there’s something I’m missing.

Oh wait, maybe the problem is that – as film critic Kyle Smith said recently – I’m a sensitive women and consequently think that all the men in it are bad, so I don’t really understand it on a male level? Yeah, that’s it... Basically, I’m not a man, and therefore I just can’t relate to films like men can, or appreciate films on the same level because my goddamn boobs keep getting in the way. 

Here’s why I don't understand Goodfellas

1. The women 

I’m sorry, but I can only watch films in which I can fully identify with the characters. Not just mentally, but physically, which is why the scenes not involving Lorraine Bracco confuse me. Where’s the women gone? Why doesn’t anyone on screen have boobs like me? If they don’t have boobs, then I don’t understand what they’re doing. All dialogue is rendered meaningless when not emitting out of a character who has boobs. Which is why I’m only allowed to watch selected scenes from Back To The Future and am not allowed in public cinemas anymore. 

2. The bad men 

They’re so horrible and they murder people so it’s quite difficult to watch the film. Mainly on a practical level, because the sea of my own snot and tears obstructs my view of the screen and makes others feel uncomfortable. I don’t understand why they’re all friends either, or why Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) wants to be a gangster, or why anyone would be a gangster because gangsters are just so mean and nasty that I can’t relate to it on a – oh, hang on. I know. They’re all on their period. 

That’s why Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) is so emotionally unstable! Maybe he’s a woman? It happens every time. I spend the ‘Funny guy’ scene half crying with how bad he is and half trying to tell people that Joe Pesci is a menstruating woman, until they ask me to leave their house. I’m just trying to relate, guys. 

3. The inability to relate on a basic level 

Goodfellas is a film about men. Watching it, through my periods and inability to see people without boobs, gives me terrifying flashbacks from when I saw The Lion King and consequently lost my shit. What are the lions doing? Luckily, because men also aren’t lions, they couldn’t understand it either, so we both cried together while being sick.

Just like when The Avengers: Age Of Ultron came out and nobody could understand it because nobody was a superhero. Sometimes I wonder why we keep going to see films when it’s pretty clear that nobody can relate to any of them and are therefore unable to extract any enjoyment at all! Why don’t we all just sit at home and read books aimed at our specific gender?

4. The inability to relate on a basic level #2 

While we’re on the subject, sometimes there are books that feature jobs I’ve never had or countries that I’ve never visited. I’m starting to think we need to scrap the entire entertainment industry. 

5. The science

An interesting one, this. Having watched lots of films about men and not understood any of them, I decided to look at the possible reasons this keeps happening to women. Because, let’s face it, men are going to be in films sometimes and they seem to be able to deal with following female storylines a little better than we can follow male storylines.

My findings were as follows: the female vagina absorbs the meaning of movies as they emit from the screen, just before they have time to reach my brain. When it comes to men, however, the film waves ricochet off the male penis directly into the cerebral cortex, which explains pretty much everything.

Goddammit, I wish I was a man and could watch movies properly. 

Thanks, Kyle Smith. (You utter douche.)

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

Picture: Rex 


Tags: Film