Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 15 June 2015


The Only Way Is Marbs - Episode 1 Recap

The Debrief: Arg has ditched the carbs, Dani’s sick of Lockie’s barbs, and no-one can go three seconds without mentioning Marbs!


It’s not often that news of an approaching telly proposal makes us want to burst into tears, throw our half eaten ham sandwiches across the room and burst into tears, but that’s how this year’s trip to Marbs begins. We learn that Lockie is looking to propose to Dani (or Elliot, who is being practised on - LOL! A man marrying a man, how hilarious and weird. Well done everyone.) but Dani has undergone a harrowing six months of emotional abuse at his hands, and would rather not ‘lock’ it down with him.

After Dani confides in Chloe about the awfulness of the situation, she tries to reason with Lockie - who fobs Chloe off with a weird range of excuses about wanting to make dollar. Lockie, you cannot be mean to poor Dani just because you’re worried about what sort of mark up you’re sticking on your deli sandwiches. More cheerfully, Bobby Norris has his customary holiday willy warmer arrangement - this is a bronzed lame job called the ‘golden javelin’, apparently.

Jake and Chloe #2 are having low level fights too, based on the fact that Chloe is a human being who would like to occasionally talk to people, and insecure Jake reckons that if she thanks the barman for a mojito, she must be having it off with him. We know Jake is a bad man because, like Spencer Matthews before him, his ‘beach look’ involves an unbuttoned shirt and a jealous, guarded scowl.

Perhaps Jake ought to take some style tips from Gemma Collins, who is strutting about in a jewelled kaftan and looks like a head of state. She swaps it for a sequinned yellow dress for a mountain hike that Ferne makes her go on. Gemma is delighted that they’re mates again, but less thrilled about having to walk up wonky terrain with a big stick. ‘I’m not dressed for this, I’ve got my Gucci bag, I’ve got this bottle of pink water, I ought to be on a yacht,’ she wails. When we were little, we too thought the colour of the container could alter the hue of the liquid inside (and we’ve never got over Bombay Sapphire). The other possibility is that Gemma hit the trail with a gallon of fortifying rose wine. Nice work

One boy who has not let everyone down, committed unspeakable acts of emotional cruelty or been a crazy jealous bastard yet is brand new hottie Peter Wicks. Ferne instantly knows his full name, and has been Twitter stalking him. ‘We’ve both got topknots, and I’m a bit taller than you when I have mine up, so because I thought I might meet you tonight, I’ve got a low pony,’ she burbles. Pete doesn’t miss a beat and replies ‘It doesn’t matter when you’re lying down.’ Get in, Ferne! Only seconds later, he’d down the beach with Jess, having a competitive dog off. He asks what she’s been up to. ‘Oh, you know, hanging with the girls in Marbs.’ Yes, Jess. He knows you’re in Marbs, because you met in Marbs. You are both sat on the edge of Marbs right now, with Marbs sand going up your bumcrack. That doesn’t stop Pete from trying to arrange a playdate for their dogs. We think he’s going to ‘hound’ her. (BA-BOOM!)

After Chloe 2 actually has to tell terrible Jake, in English words, ‘I don’t deserve to be spoken to like shit. You do not own me,’ Jake is only mildly arsey about the fact that Chloe 2 has also met Pete, when she fell over on a train. (Also Jake has no concern for Chloe’s wellbeing, post fall.) Dani is having the same frustrating, endless loop of a conversation where she tells Lockie that she’s upset with him for missing her birthday, sending her abusive texts when he came home drunk, having locked his keys in her car, and she was asleep and wouldn’t let him in. ‘I put my key in the door every day and I don’t know what mood you’re going to be in,’ she explains, chillingly. Weirdly Lockie still brings a ring out to dinner the next night, only to watch Dani break up with him, while pretending it was all his idea. He’s such a horrible, colossal tool that B&Q wouldn’t be able to stock him in store and could only sell him as a website exclusive.

There’s a happy ending, in a manner of speaking - Arg has stayed sober for a whole episode, and seems to be nice, kind and reasonable to Lydia which in this show is an utter bloody novelty. And Ferne refers to herself as a ‘goon’, which is a word that definitely needs to come back into our vocabularies because it’s so pleasingly clownish. Try saying ‘what a goon!’ next time you fall down the stairs or throw coffee at your own crotch and see how enjoyable it is! But the boys of Essex need to sort themselves out. There are no men of Essex.

Episode hero: It’s got to be Dani for finally breaking up with horrible Lockie, and finding enough self love to leave the bastard that wrecked her confidence. If anyone ever makes you feel the way Dani feels when she’s around him, leave, and encourage them to go and live on top of a mountain for a year and think about what they’ve did.

Episode villain. Lockie. And we’ve wasted quite enough words on him already.

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Tags: TV We\'re Unashamedly Watching, TV