The Best Rihanna Conspiracy Theories On The Internet
The Debrief: Here are some of the most outlandish Rihanna conspiracy theories around.
As far as pop music and conspiracy theories go, the introductory course would basically be ‘everyone’s in the Illuminati, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson’s secret love is being covered up by the Popstar Secret Service, oh, and Paul McCartney was replaced by a robot in 1966’.
But when it comes to the world of cover-ups, fixes and treachery, the introductory course is never quite enough is it? Once you get a taste for the 1 + 1 = 666 madness that actual humans invest their time and energy dissecting in the darkest corners of the world wide web (aka the youtube comments section) you need more. You click faster. You delve deeper.
You despair. A lot.
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And of course, the internet never unearths that it’s your next-door neighbour Pat who is secretly communicating with aliens through the colour coding of her flower bed's hydrangeas. It's always those damn musicians – in between hip-thrusting, rhyming ‘afternoon’ with ‘spoon’ (all credit to Jason Derulo there) and posting Instagram selfies - that are hiding the most devilish of secrets from their unsuspecting fans.
Let’s take Rihanna for example. Over the years we’ve watched as she’s morphed from a fresh-faced, flicky-fringed Pon De Replay popstar-by-numbers into a fierce force to be reckoned with whose every move seems driven and statement filled. But is that statement more ‘never forget, I am the most badass pop princess in the land’? or 'the chorus to Umbrella played backwards is the chant that will herald the Apocalypse'?
Here are some of the most outlandish Rihanna conspiracy theories around.
Rihanna killed Whitney Houston…or something like that
So apparently Rihanna has a crystal ball and plays a really morbid long-game because there are people out there convinced she predicted iconic singer Whitney Houston’s tragic death in 2011. This is all seemingly based on the fact that Rihanna’s music video, released three months before Whitney’s sudden passing, for We Found Love depicts her in an abusive, drug-fuelled relationship where, out of it on a substance of sorts, she sinks into a filled bathtub. Those convinced of wrongdoing pointed to the eerie similarities between the relationship in the video and the legendary songstress’ own troubled union with ex-husband
Bobby Brown - and, of course, the star’s tragic death by drowning in a bathtub – as some kind of proof. The theory lacks any actual specific detail as to how – or why – Rihanna managed and wanted to allude to the circumstances of Whitney’s demise. Many claim the younger star being in talks to star in a reboot of the late diva’s classic film The Bodyguard at the time gives the conspiracy extra clout. But as of this article’s publication, no murder charges have been filed. And Rihanna has yet to off another pop star in her music videos. Unless I missed some kind of veiled Terry Wogan reference in Bitch Better Have My Money.
Rihanna is actually a lizard
‘REPTILIAN HYBRID RIHANNA EXPOSED!’, ‘Rihanna is a reptilian alien?? Proof in this
video.’ ‘REPTILIAN RIHANNA’S MORPHING EYES!’ scream the headlines from a series of youtube uploads dedicated to exposing this huge scaly scandal. This all links to a much wider conspiracy theory that all famous people in the world are in fact reptiles in human drag. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but, no, I’ve not been accidentally reading a Men In Black fan fiction website. Rihanna gets the most attention re this conspiracy though because these videos claim she once accidentally let her mask slip mid interview and momentarily revealed her real reptile eyes. (In conspiracy land world there is no such thing as a trick of the light.) In fact, she is so blasé about the whole ‘being a lizard masquerading as a pop goddess’ thing that they believe she even appears as her genuine creature self in the Where Have You Been music video. Basically, there’s a shot of an alligator coming out of the water at the start of the video. Think about it….have you ever seen this alligator and Rihanna in the same room!!!???? If the answer is no, then there’s clearly no possible other conclusion to draw than, as one theorist summarised on an online forum: 'Rihanna is clearly the alligator. Or maybe it’s nothing.' Maybe indeed.
Rihanna shagged Jay Z for fame
Before Becky with the good hair but bad vagina, there was another immaculately coiffed temptress who was said to be getting in the middle of power couple Beyonce and Jay Z… Rihanna, allegedly, of course. Ever since she sprang to fame in 2005 after signing with Jay Z’s then label Def Jam, rumours have abounded about the two's closeness. Conspiracy theorists claim that the sexual relationship is the only reason Rihanna was able to embark upon her music career…because it seems, conspiracy theorists are sexists jerks and can’t think of anything more original than a good old ‘fucked her way to the top’ narrative to explain the audaciousness of female success. However, we do have some sort of closure with this particular theory as Rihanna’s one time publicist Jonathan Hay admitted in 2015 that he spread the false rumour in a lame attempt to help build a profile for her in the media.
He said: 'The PR stunt that I did was out of desperation to help break Pon de Replay. It was reckless and I didn’t think it was going to work. I was just throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what would stick.' Of course, a true conspiracy theorist would never accept such an obvious conclusion and it remains to be seen if there will be another twist in this tale.
Rihanna was used to ‘frame’ Chris Brown
We’ll not delve too deeply into this one because it’s obviously unbelievably disrespectful and undermining to domestic abuse victims and, particularly, to Rihanna. But, in short, there are sexist creeps out there who have spun the most intricately crafted conspiracy web weaves in attempts to absolve Chris Brown of any guilt in his shocking 2009 attack on then-girlfriend Rihanna. From claiming the FBI framed him to stating Jay-Z wanted to take out Chris because 'he danced like Michael Jackson and was the next big thing', to, now bear with us here, the singer having had his memory wiped with a secretly instilled drug so he couldn’t exonerate himself...it’s pathetic to see the extent people will go to make excuses for fallen idols. Conspiracy theories are all well and good when you’re alleging Miley Cyrus is actually a clone of herself after being murdered by Disney years ago (LOLZ...wait, what?) but when they facilitate excuses for a convicted abuser then that’s just sad.
Rihanna is in the Illuminati
Ok…I’ve left the big one until last. While it may seem there’s not a famous person alive who hasn’t fallen into the Illuminati’s clutches, Rihanna is, again, touted to be one of the more prominent members of the cult. (If you are out the loop the illuminati is a mysterious collection of high profile people who pull the strings of every power player in the world as they attempt to bring to life a satanic new world order.) Rihanna clearly loves the rumours as she fills her music videos and tour performances with visual references to the cult and even posed in front of a fake newspaper headline in her S&M vid calling herself ‘The Illuminati Princess’. The imagery in the video to Umbrella - the song that made her a superstar - is packed with pyramids (the Illuminati LOVE pyramids) and all sorts of evil eye-candy. But her director Chris Applebaum has since said 'I freely admit to having placed symbols of imagery in music videos, just to fuck around with people'. That's exactly what somebody in the Illuminati's clutches would say isn't it...
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