Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Friday, 6 May 2016

The Best Beyonce Conspiracy Theories On The Internet Right Now

The Best Beyonce Conspiracy Theories On The Internet Right Now

The Debrief: If you want a great night in, order a pizza and start googling conspiracy theories; we guarantee that in three hours time you’ll be full, tired (from being so full), and convinced that the world is run by clocks.

If you want a great night in, but don’t want to spend three hours scrolling through conspiracy forums, and are moderately interested in Beyonce then look no further. From Solange’s actual identity, Beyonce’s actual age right through to fake babies and satan, here’s a guide to the most popular theories that surround The Lord Our Bey. Or rather, The Bey Our Queen. Or just Beyonce, whatever, let’s all just chill out.

1. Beyonce faked her pregnancy 

On Australia television program Sunday Night, Beyonce sat down and this happened: 

Which, we have to admit, looks really weird. Where does her stomach go? And we weren’t the only ones: internet forums (many of which were sceptical after Bey unveiled her bump at the VMAs right after performing the sorts of dances not advised for pregnant women) exploded with theories and suggestions as to what could possibly explain this unnatural-looking fold situation that happened to Bey’s bump. The evidence piled up, and starts to look really convincing if you’re really tired/drunk: 

- She responded to rumours, and pregnancy conspiracists pointed out that Bey never responds to rumours - so what this a case of The Bey Doth Protest Too Much? 

- The Lenox hospital was on shut down during the pregnancy with an entire floor taken over by her labour. Which people presumed meant she was hiding something. Like perhaps a… 

- … surrogate. A lot of people think Bey had a surrogate mother. Partly also because her body snapped back into shape immediately after the birth. Er, guys, there are other reasons for that (cough lipo cough we’re not saying Bey had lipo but we’re just saying there are other possibilities yeah). 

- Beyonce showed a video of her pregnant bump with Jay Z’s arms wrapped round it during the On The Run tour, but the haters just pointed out that it could have been a fake bump because their hands are almost totally covering it. You can’t win, even if you are the most powerful pop star on the planet. 

2. Solange is Beyonce’s daughter

This also feeds in with the whole ‘Beyonce isn’t the age she says she is’ rumour which is probably the most believable of the conspiracy theories considering pretty much nobody in showbiz is their correct age. The whole Solange story, though, comes from a blind item posted on a site a few years back. It has no evidence other than hearsay but has picked up a serious amount of traction: 

Her dad, Matthew Knowles, let slip that Beyonce was two years older than she says she is:

So basically some dude on the internet said it, therefore it’s true. While there’s apparently only a five year age gap between the two, this is where the ‘Beyonce isn’t the age she says she is’ theory merges - with this dude claiming the 14 year age difference. 

But Beyonce posted a pic of the pair when they were little, and she sure as hell doesn’t look 14 years older here: 

 

3. Beyonce changed the names of the Destiny’s Child-ers 

This one is quite interesting actually, in the fact that it makes sense. Remember when DC was a totally different line up? After original members LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett were ousted, they told everyone that Matthew Knowles (Bey’s dad, and Destiny’s Child’s manager) that he wanted the limelight for his daughter. So when Kelendria and Tenitra joined, their names were changed to make sure Beyonce stood out. Changed to Kelly and Michelle. OOOOOH. 

4. Beyonce’s people killed Joan Rivers 

This one is batshit, and is purely because Joan’s last tweet is a funny joke directed at the elevator fight. 

So yeah obviously then Beyonce killed her. I mean, what. 

5. Beyonce is the leader of the illuminati 

The biggest rumour we’ve saved until last, because it’s so involved it would basically take an entire book to explain. Here, however, is the TL;DR version. 

The Illuminati is a one-party group that are believed by some to control our governments, big businesses, pretty much everything with the aim of total control, ultimately the downfall of everyone who isn’t in the illuminati, or gender equality - depending on who you speak to. A group of men founded the Illuminati on May 1, 1776, hoping to abolish religious influences, among other things that have little to do with the current perception of the group.

The ruler Charles Theodore permanently dissolved the Illuminati in 1785, but the group is believed by some to have been revived. And that’s why so many women are getting all successful these days (especially Beyonce). If you want to know more about this secret society, give it a google and prepare to wake up four days later in a van (this is a joke, it’s just a rumour, and pretty much everything written on it contradicts everything else). 

Firstly, Jay Z has always been a fave of illuminati conspiracists, as he’s constantly holding his hands up in a triangle (the sign of the illuminati) and raps on his song Free Mason about not being in the illuminati (also a sign of the illuminati, duh). Beyonce also does the triangle thing a lot, and because the illuminati is often thought of as being very much for gender equality, the fact that she is a woman and very popular means she’s also in the illuminati. Obviously. 

As the theory goes, Aaliyah (who dies in 2001 in a plane crash) was on her way to huge heights because of the illuminati backing her, but wanted out so was killed and Beyonce took her place. Let’s all have a cup of tea and think about that for a second. It’s batshit. 

When Jay Z and Beyonce got married it was, to illuminati conspiracists, the ultimate in illuminati power. Thing is, so is literally every celebrity who is successful. Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie… they’re all labelled illuminati in these forums. 

And what’s more annoying is the fact that these people can’t imagine for a moment that any of these women got to the top because they’re fucking talented, and crazy-driven. Oh no. It has to be because of an old secret society with lots of money. Sure. 

 

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Tags: Beyonce