Look mate, for whatever reason.... we're both here with no plans for this the first real Saturday of spring except for sitting on our arses, pizza in hand, with the TV tuned to ITV for the start of yet another series of Simon Cowell behemoth Britain's Got Talent.
How we both arrived at this end; be it hangover or laziness, is not important right now. Those larger life problems can be sorted out at a later date. What we need to focus on right now, is how we're going to get through the hour and twenty minutes of screen time Britain's Got Talent (and it's accompanying adverts) is going to take up of your evening. The answer, and I think we all knew where this was heading, is booze. Lots and lots of booze.
So, grab several glasses (of whatever, the stronger the better), settle in and play along with us as we play the Britain's Got Talent Drinking Game!
Take two fingers of a stiff spirit
If some dick on your Twitter takes a jibe at Amanda Holden for wearing something backless/frontless/crotchless. I mean anything she's wearing will generate the obligatory 'OLDER WOMAN WEARS DRESS' Daily Mail headline, but FFS guys, if I looked as good as her I'd pile all my clothes up, set fire to them and dance naked around the bonfire screaming 'NO MORE CLOTHES NO MORE CLOTHES'.
Neck a pint in despair
If any contestant makes a mournful declaration about their past while the previously upbeat music takes a turn FOR. THE. DEPRESSING. Speaking openly about something that made you very sad for the British public's enjoyment? Shouldn't be a pre-requisite to be in with a chance to perform for the Queen.
Have a rejoiceful sip of wine
If any act involves any sort of animal. Be it cat, dog or wild turkey, we're all about animals doing tricks. As long as they look happy about it. We're not up for a mangey moggie making cups of tea and doing the hoovering while it's owner puts his feet up and watches the telly. That's not clever at all.
Take two fingers of something sparkly
Any time anyone adorably inapproriate comes onto a panel member. Be it a pensioner with a penchant for Alesha, a Nana who's got her flirty eye on David or a teenage boy who's only got eyes for Simon, we say, anyone that can make the panel uncofmratable in their seats gets our vote.
Have a knowing shot of whatever
Any time they try the Susan Boyle again. Susan Boyle was brilliant wasn't she? I mean *is *brilliant. She's still around somewhere, being a millionaire and being awesome. But, that old trick of wheeling out a no-hoper only to have them wow the audience with their outstanding talent is a tale as old as the whole Simon Cowell wears high-waisted trousers joke.
Whiff a glass of some expensive whiskey before taking a long sip
Every time Simon leans back in his seat, crosses his arms across his moobs and exhales loudly to show he's Very Disappointed in whatever is unfolding onstage. Despite the fact that a gaggle of producers chose to put said act on stage. Weird old world isn't it?
Do a tactical churn
If you even considered the idea of entering that competition before the ad break which said you can win a trip to Vegas plus £12,000 spending money, plus the change to ride around in a limo. Any chances you're going to win are offset by the amount of money you'll spend on the text you silly billy.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.