It’s been fairly well documented that Kanye West dresses Kim Kardashian. From making her chuck out all her old clothes, to telling her to ‘dress sexier’, he’s got a monopoly on what she puts on herself - which sort of freaks me out. This is a man who wears drop-crotch trousers and gets his actual boob out at fashion shows. Yes, he sometimes knocks it out of the park, clothes-wise, but he can also very much knock it inside the park. Dressed like a park.
My boyfriend, Naz, is not Kanye West, and I’d never let him dictate what I wear. Mainly because he only wears black jeans with tee shirts that say things like ‘Who The Fuck Is Mick Jagger’ accessorised with a scarf he found on the floor of a club.
For a year he wore a very large grey furry hat with a hammer and sickle on it. When I asked him if I should dye my hair blonde he said ‘I don’t understand what dyeing your hair blonde means’. Which is why everyone in the office thought it would be interesting to get him to pick out five outfits for five different occasions that he genuinely thinks I should wear.
The five categories I came up with were: party niiiiiiiight, weekend day, dinner with the family, a date and work. And he did surprisingly well, save for a few references to dresses as ‘red things’ and not understanding that wedge heels still count as heels.
Weekend day
‘You should wear my hat,’ he said, wearing a hat that his friend gave him (with no communism symbol on the front). He then also dressed me like a twelve year old - but in that cool hipster way you only see in ‘cool’ areas of big cities.
**Naz chooses: **
‘Noddy hat
Polo neck for French people because it’s sophisticated
Cut off jeans that Bernie Mac would have worn in the 90s (RIP)
Yellow socks that make a statement’
Am I happy wearing it?
Yes, actually. I would never tuck a black polo neck into a pair of cut-off mom jeans but I’m actually sort of enjoying it. And considering nobody has told Naz about the 90s revival, I’m impressed he’s cottoned on, and also impressed he knew what cut-offs were. Less impressed that he laughed at finished article and said ‘Yeah that’ll do, you look ridiculous’ as if that’s a pre-requisite for going outside at the weekend. Still, would (and probably will) wear this.
Party niiiiiiight
‘Can you wear a kimono as a top?’ (no) ‘Where does it go?’ (over a top) ‘Is it a dress?’ (no)
**Naz chooses: **
‘Silver dress which isn’t too revealing but will definitely get really dirty by the end of the night (as its really long and nearly touches the ground, not in a lascivious way)
Kimono because why the hell not - everyone looks cool in a kimono
Big heels that give stability as well as height to help with deciding the best route to the bar.’
Am I happy wearing** it?**
This is getting upsetting actually, because he’s nailed it again and the whole point of this article was for him to get it woefully wrong and then I laugh about it (in a kind way). How can a man who refers to short hair as ‘small hair’ be so bang on trend? And why do I own a kimono?
Date
I usually go for long dresses with sleeves on dates, so was apprehensive when he said ‘Show me all your shortest dresses and no, you’re not wearing leggings (he calls tights leggings)’.
**Naz chooses: **
‘Sex dress
Sex shoes
Done’
Am I happy wearing it?
NO. Firstly, I don’t ever go without tights due to pale legs that occasionally look inflatable, general self consciousness and an aversion to the cold. There was also some consternation involving what a ‘high-heeled shoe’ is - I have a lot of big black wedges in various forms, and block heels, which Naz apparently doesn’t like/understand. He kept saying ‘No, black HEELS’ which I ‘don’t own’ (I have seven pairs of heels) and finally chose a pair of silver stilettos I got for free when Zoo magazine were giving away tat that nobody in their right mind would want to keep. I would not go out like this and the whole experience of wearing it made me feel physically sick and nude.
Am not commenting on the reference to my favourite dress (WHEN WORN WITH A LONGER SKIRT AND TIGHTS AND A POLO NECK) as a ‘sex dress’, either.
Dinner with family
There was some confusion over whether the ‘red thing’ was a dress or a top, but over leggings (tights, he won’t stop calling them leggings despite me correcting him multiple times) they were deemed ‘pure’ enough. Use of ‘pure’ incredibly creepy. He isn’t normally creepy. I think fashion has corrupted him, and if he were to be a fashion designer he’d be one of those weird guys you wish would stop smoothing your clothes while they’re on your body.
‘Red thing
White collar suggesting purity
Black leggings because she didn’t have white ones
Intelligent shoes
In the real thing, obvs get rid of all the shit on your arms - just a watch or a charity ribbon or a library card or something that suggests only prudent behaviour
And bring wine’
Am I happy wearing it?
Yes, this is my favourite dress - but Naz seemed to think this resembled a librarian which is worrying because I think I wear it on every date we’ve been on in the last year. And I thought it was cool. Why do boys think that loads of skin in automatically attractive? It’s cold outside. Anyway, good job except the reference to ‘shit on your arms’ (he means bracelets which are very in right now) and tights as ‘leggings’. White tights would have looked really cool, so extra points for that. I would definitely go out like this.
Work
I think Naz took ‘work outfit’ to mean ‘most boring outfit ever’.
**Naz chooses: **
‘Formal shoes
Black leggings (TIGHTS THEY ARE CALLED TIGHTS)
Worky jacket thing that is a bit long and therefore unconventional which suggests outside the box thinking without being a fucking hippy
Short skirt that isn’t too short but also not boringly long
Pop of colour with a scarf with animals on it because work can still be fun!!!
Am I happy wearing it? To be honest, it’s a bit boring. I suggested a blue leather skirt to which he replied ‘Not for work!!!!!!!’ and that’s a bit worrying considering he’s seen what I go to work in pretty much every day. And at The Debrief, we don’t wear suit jackets and scarves with zebras on it. Not that I don’t like the scarf, it’s a great scarf (he bought it for me two years ago), but I feel that he could have gone a bit more creative - despite excellent use of terminology with ‘pop of colour’. I think he has been secretly reading the Getting Ready section of the site, but still wouldn’t go to work in this.
So, should you let your boyfriend choose your clothes? Well, it’s actually been fairly interesting and I’ve got a whole new outfit I never thought to utilise (kimono plus silver dress), but if every time we go on a date I have to be nearly nude I think I’ll pass, thanks. Probably best stick to picking out your own clothes, Kim.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.