Moving out of my shared flat was like breaking up with five of my best friends in one go - AKA a one way ticket to oh-my-god-I-actually-can’t-deal-with-anyone-right-now. The six of us had been living together for two years and I loved them all like sisters, but the mood in the house had changed.
The clutter that I once thought added ‘personality' was now the subject of weekly WhatsApp debate (‘WHY ARE THERE THREE BIN BAGS OF MULTICOLOURED WOOL IN THE LOUNGE?!’) and, while I used to get excited about our impromptu house parties, I couldn’t cope with the inevitable two-day clean up anymore. Basically, I needed to live somewhere new.
I told them I was leaving while having a melodramatic cry in the bathroom at a party (at one point I fell in the bath) and we worked out the details in an increasingly aggro Facebook thread. I was so stressed out by the process that it didn’t hit me that I’d actually moved out until I returned for a birthday a few days later. I ended up sat on my old bed, with a bag of Pom Bears and bottle of wine, wondering what might have been.
Jenni Trent Hughes wrote an actual book on how to deal with difficult conversations like ‘the moving out chat’, and she says the situation’s always going to be tough: ‘We recreate a family atmosphere in shared houses,’ she says. ‘When you move out it's like your family breaking up.' There are things you can do to make it easier though.
Do actually tell your housemates
As much as you might be tempted to wait until your housemates are on a minibreak and then disappear into the night wearing a flamboyant cape, you need to tell your housemates that you plan to move ASAP.
Laura, 27, made the mistake of handing in her notice before telling her flatmates she was moving out. She says: 'My landlord thought we were all leaving together and sent us an email about the deposit. It led to a very awkward conversation' so make sure you can afford to move, and then bite the bullet. Avoid talking about it with mutual friends too, because if your housemates find out you’re leaving from someone else, they’re going to feel cheated on.
Be careful how you word it
Treat the chat how you'd treat a conversation with a sweet date you've decided to just-be-friends with (Unless you're the kind of person who sends ‘soz, it’s over’ texts; in which case SHAME ON YOU) 'Use statements like 'I have enjoyed sharing a house with you but I need my own space' which allow you to be assertive without making your housemates feel guilty,’ suggests psychologist Natalie Thomas. Basically, do the whole ‘it's not you, it's me’ thing. DO bring pizza, garlic bread and a comforting animal to hold. DON’T bring boyfriends, girlfriends or other people who loiter around your house a lot. They won't help during the chat - it has to be just you and your housemates.
Don’t mess people around
I changed my mind about my move-out date five times. Don’t do this. I also bought a sofa that was too large to fit in my new flat and had to store it at the old house for an extended period of time. Don’t do this either. Stick to one leaving date (even if it means paying double rent for a couple of days) and sort out any bills before you move out. Jenni Trent Hughes says: ‘Whatever your obligations are - work all that out. No excuses. ‘I need the money for the move so I can't’ is not acceptable.’
Help find your replacement
Post about your room on Facebook and keep it tidy for viewings. When your housemates do find a new you, make sure you get introduced. You want to become chums the newbie because a) it will make it less awkward when you visit and b) it’ll help you get your deposit back without hounding your ex-housemates. Debt collecting is not a great way to rebuild friendships.
Jess, 25, says: ‘My housemate forgot to give me the contact details for the girl who took my room. I couldn’t get in touch with her about the deposit and didn’t get it back for a month. It was so stressful.’
**Get your shit together, literally **
If you’ve lived in your house for as long as I had, lots of your things might now be seen as ‘communal’. Zing, 26, recommends doing a house sweep, when none of your other housemates are in, to claim them back. She says; ‘It’s a bit evil, but it means they can't give you grief if they see you taking your shit back.’
Don’t get too sentimental
The week before my move, I went a bit psycho. I listened to Britney Spears - ‘Everytime’ on repeat. I got nostalgic about very mediocre things like ‘that time Maz made a great pasta bake’. I imagined my housemates stood weeping outside my house while I drove off into the distance in my Zipvan.
This flood of emotion is inevitable, so use it to motivate yourself to organise plans with your ex-flatmates after you’ve moved. Don’t express it in an intense leaving card as Nikki, 26, whose amazing and beautiful housemate (spoiler: it’s me) moved out a month ago, says: ‘She left a card with all the happy moments we had had as friends. I felt like a let-down boyfriend who would always wonder what happened to the one that got away.’
** Give your housemates some space**
Whoever takes your spot in the house won’t appreciate you referring to their new room as your old room. You’ll sound like a bitter ex. And, don’t ask your former housemates questions like ‘so, how’s it living without me?’ The answer is: exactly the same.
Instead, take a few weeks to settle into your swanky new pad. Get used to messaging your ex-housemates about dog GIFs rather than who’s taking out the bins. Realise it’s better this way. Let go. Move on. You’re a strong and confident woman. Are these clichés helping?
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Photo: Maggy Van Eijk
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.