From 'I look quite pretty!' to 'I'm the lobster', Love Actually has got no end of quotes to choose from that make your jingle balls shrivel up, jump back inside you and retreat hastily until the following festive season. This year ladies, spare yourself the pain - you've seen Hugh Grant make the 'David Beckham's left foot' speech so many times it's often the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning and walking out of any airport is permanently ruined for you when you're not greeted by a hyperactive Martine McCutcheon in the arrivals hall.
Here's a few films to watch instead.
Muppet Christmas Carol
Fuck me, what a film. I know you’ve all seen it way more times that Love Actually but that doesn’t mean it ever gets boring. From the ice skating peguins while Kermit honks along to One More Sleep Till Christmas, to the actually properly terrifying Marley and Marley (oooOOOOooo) to the rousing finale of It's in the singing of a street corner choir It's going home and getting warm by the fire It's true, where ever you find love, it feels like Christmas it’s a Christmas musical masterpiece. Even more so since they cut that boring song that boring Belle sang on the bridge when her and Scrooge broke up. All killer, no filler.
Jingle All The Way
Even more poignant this year since Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick is totally dating Miley Cyrus. This film, if you'll cast your mind back to 1996 with us, is about Arnie as a deadbeat dad who's trying to find the year's most sought after toy (Turbo Man!) for his son on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately for him, Sinbad, under the guise of a terrorist-minded postal worker is ALSO trying to find the toy for HIS son. Hilarious hijinks ensure.
Die Hard 2
Contentious as to whether it’s better than Die Hard 2 (most people say nay, I say yay) this film is Christmas summed up in a neat little bag. Snow, crashing planes, evil Germans, Plus, all the blood? Red is but the most Christmassy of all the colours! How festive.
Scrooged
Another take on Charles Dickens’ much-told tale, this one sees Bill Murray as an alcoholic, bitter TV exec who’s trying to create a live Christmas special complete with robots and scantily clad women. Unsuprisingly he's not happy and has no friends. Luckily, his old mentor shows up in the form of a ghost and sends three spirits to teach him the error of his ways, one of whom is a taxi driver from Brooklyn. It's sharp, very funny and crass as hell. Bill Murray at his best.
Bernard and the Genie
Tough to find but worth the watch. If Christmas can’t be summed up with a down on his luck Alan Cumming and a 2000 year old genie under the guise of Lenny Henry as the two cause hilarious mischief around London town then we don’t know what does. Rowan Atkinson also makes a spectacular appearance.
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The Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide, Filled With Presents You're Gonna Wish Were Under Your Tree Too
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.