There are two nights a year that you're guaranteed to be going out (or at least getting drunk): the first is New Year's Eve and the second is your birthday. But a lot of people go out on Christmas Eve too so I guess we'll deal with that one.
Problem is, while you might be able to handle your eggnog (nobody goes out and drinks eggnog - replace with wine/lager/mojitos/pitchers of woo woo/jagerbombs), there's always some arsehole who ruins it by staggering around yelling about having had their drink spiked and vomiting on your car. It's important to note here that spiked drinks are no laughing matter, and should always be taken seriously, unless the person in question has strawpedoed a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea and you've been with them the whole evening. Because they won't let go of your hand.
People like this ruin nights. Especially on NYE when you've got plans to go to that great [insert a thing you like doing on NYE] but one of your mates is so drunk she can't get onto public transport, meaning everyone has to wait around for an expensive taxi that she refuses to get into because she wants to 'have a sit on the pavement and a little think'.
Here's the guide to dealing with Those Friends on the two nights you really don't want to be dealing with Those Friends - split into preparation and coping categories
Preparation AKA How To Stop Your Friend Getting Too Drunk Before You Have To Start Coping
**1. Don't invite them **
Harsh but fair. If you've got a mate who consistently ruins nights out when there's nothing to really celebrate, then can you imagine what they're going to be like when ringing in the new year? Or prepping for, y'know, Father Christmas to come down the chimney? That's serious shit. Dither with your plans until they're forced to make them with someone else, or change the location so they can't rock up before Christmas having nailed Chambord swiped from their parents' cabinet beforehand.
2. Get everyone to buy them non alcoholic drinks
If you've got to lie, then lie. Your night is worth more than the possibility of going to heaven when you die, OK? If you're in a round system, replace their spirits with just mixers and their beers with non alcoholic beer poured into a pint glass. If they're drinking wine then that's a bit trickier - maybe swap for spritzers that are around 20 per cent wine, 80 per cent spritz. Opt for lemonade because that masks the taste of the wine regardless of how much/little is in the glass. If they ask for a shot pretend you haven't heard them.
3. Prepare a taxi in advance
Don't Uber, because their phone will be dead and you'll end up paying, so have the number for a local taxi company or an Addison Lee handy for the moment they don't get into the club/bar/friend's houseparty/literally anywhere and you can sort out a quick exit. Also useful for if they get chucked out of the club/bar/friend's houseparty/literally anywhere.
**5. Say something a bit catty early on **
It's tough love, but saying 'Yeah fingers crossed we don't have to put you in a cab while you vomit everywhere like last time eh?' will make them feel more aware of what they're drinking, and how it'll totally affect everyone around them. It's all about the catty prep.
**Coping AKA How To Deal With Your Drunk Friend When The Prep Failed **
6. Get someone else to deal with it
There's always one mumsy type who loves holding people's hair back and worriedly saying 'Should we call an ambulance?' when it's clear the only problems the drunk mate is going to experience is a monumental hangover the next morning. Enlist the help of this person by massaging their ego with a 'You're the only one who could get through to her - I've tried and she's not having any of it' to encourage them to spring into helpful action. Don't feel bad. They love it. And if nobody fits the description of this person, then that means your this person - and you're going to have to deal with it.
**7. Get them water **
It's obvious, but ridiculously drunk people need to drink water. Get some tap water from the bar and force them to drink it.
8. Ignore their requests for McDonalds
It's obvious, but ridiculously drunk people throw up after McDonalds. Do not let them force you into getting a Happy Meal.
9. Threaten them
Not in a mean way, but if they're acting stupid and won't give you their address (this once happened to a friend of mine at a Christmas party - his superior refused to tell him her address, she was forced to sleep on his sofa, tried to snog him then wet herself) then threaten to call their parents or boyfriend. This usually sobers people up, and they'll oddly suddenly start spouting postcode letters at you. Alternatively, you could threaten to leave them in the street. Drunk people are needy, and might cry if left alone, so again, it'll focus them.
**10. Don't send them off on public transport **
Night buses and people who can't stand up are a terrible combination - they'll end up in Kent having fallen asleep. Or getting into a fight with another drunk person. Or crying really hard so people complain and the bus driver has to chuck them off. Get them a taxi, wait with them while feeding them water and alert their flatmate as to their condition so they can watch for their arrival/let them in.
**11. Check they've got all their belongings before they disappear **
Annoying, yes, but drunk people tend to throw their phones at walls and leave their coats in cloakrooms. I once cried hysterically for half an hour because I'd lost all my possessions in a club so my friends formed a search party, eventually finding my phone on a swing (?), my coat on the bar and my bag in the middle of the crowded dancefloor. The next day I was so embarrassed but also so grateful to them that I think I cried again. Be that guy. Your friend will grateful-cry at you and it'll cancel out the lying about drinks thing earlier (see above), so you'll end up going to heaven after all. Win - win.
12. Don't give them their ex's number
Look, it's for the best (but don't tell them that. Lie. Lie so much and say you don't have it)
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
Picture: Rory DCS
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.