Sometimes, very occasionally, I go through a day when a series of small things will happen, one after the other and I will convince myself that I am finally a grown-up. I’ll wake up before eight AM, I’ll exfoliate in the shower, I’ll iron a top and pay a water bill and take a pre-prepared packed lunch (lentil-based) to the office. I’ll read ALL the sections of the papers, not just the supplement with the cover story about whether the high tongued loafer is finally dead. I’ll have one glass of wine with dinner. I’ll watch the news and have a fennel tea and have ANOTHER shower before bed (two showers!) then I’ll read at least three chapters of a politician’s memoir then turn off my light before half 11.
Sometimes, I said. I did say only sometimes. More often than not, I feel like I am not quite grown-up enough yet; that adulthood is a destination as far away as Cornwall and I am still stuck on a long, jammed journey down the M4.
But, hey, I am only 26. We should give ourselves a break. When I was 14, I was desperate for a boyfriend and a job, and when they finally came I wish I had enjoyed the absence of them just a bit longer. So I know that one day, when I am paying a mortgage and getting up at half six to do the school run, I will hope I spent enough time enjoying lie-ins until noon and glassware that should get smashed at a party.
So, I give to you – all the fashion and beauty things that mean you’re not a grown-up yet (and why that’s sort of OK).
You colour in the holes in your tights instead of buying a new pair
They’re just so BLOODY expensive, aren’t they? One of those things that were bought for you as a child and you had no idea how much it bloody costs until you left home. Like batteries, or marmite or dental operations. Parting with ten pounds of your hard-earned cash for 20 Camel Blues or a double vodka tonic – fine. But for two pairs of 40 denier tights? Rip-off. I like to see where my money is and that’s not in something as unnecessary as tights, it will be in a long-term investment, like hash.
**You still don’t own pyjamas **
You sleep naked in the summer and in your old university hoodie and a pair of your ex-boyfriend’s boxers in the winter.
You own the following: at least three band t shirts, sequin knickers, five bikinis, lycra trousers, Halloween “sexy cat” regalia, something wet-look, three stripy tops, a suspender belt from when you used to pretend to care about your sex life, a revealing kimono, a Santa’s hat, half of your friend’s clothes you have had to borrow because you got drunk on a week night and passed out on their sofa and needed something to wear for the office the next day.
But you do not own: a black jacket, a white t shirt, more than five pairs of socks, a waterproof coat, a warm coat, an overnight bag, a weekend bag, a gym bag, a glasses case, wellies, any real gold jewellery.
You have owned the same strapless bra since 2006
Because you only go to a formal event requiring a spaghetti strap dress once a year and what’s the point in buying a new one when you’ve got all that hash to buy.
READ MORE: A Few Satorial Signs You're Already In Winter Mode
You have a special towel or sheet for when you fake tan
And you know at what point in the day to apply it to make sure you have optimum, even coverage with a non-biscuity odour at the exact right moment.
You wear the same outfit every time you go to the gym
And it consists of a baggy vest and a passably appropriate pair of leggings. You use the excuse of only having one gym outfit for not going every day.
Your “flying routine” is getting pissed and eating a kilogram of salted nuts then complaining about feeling sick and passing out in a food coma on the airport transfer to the hotel.
You long to be one of those chic French beauty editors who gets onto a plane with a cashmere blanket and puts on a Sisley facemask, covers her eyes with a lavender-scented cloth, sips Fiji water and eats a Tupperware of carrot batons. But you’re not. You’re the kind of person who says a five hours flight as an opportunity to drown in as many complimentary bloody marys you can squeeze out of the airline.
**You wear too much mascara.
**
You know it’s not very cool, you know it’s not very understated. You know Anna Wintour or any of those other elegant smuggos would think you looked like a teenager on a cheap night out at Oceana, but it’s so pretty! Makes you look like a lovely, pretty doll! One more layer for the road, I think.
Your wardrobe shows evidence that over the years you have bought into the following trends: boho, colour blocking, 60s smocks, 70s disco, 80s neons, 90s grunge, double denim, candy coloured jeans, pattern clashing, crop tops, military, muppet coats, animal print, wrap dresses, ushankas, berets, fedoras, trilbies and beanies.
But you STILL haven’t bought an umbrella. Congratulations! I take my hat off to you (one of the many I own).
Like this? Then you might be interested in…
A Few Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When Rediscovering Your Winter Wardrobe
iPhone Incompatibility And Other Woes That Come With Wearing Gloves Again
Follow Dolly on Twitter @dollyalderton
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.