There was a time when only Nigella did sexy food. Occasionally, The Two Fat Ladies would make cherries look like nipples or Rick Stein would gaze fondly at a mollusc, but otherwise all was buttoned up and tepid in the world of TV cookery.
But ever since The Great British Bake Off got the (cream) horn, other chefs have leapt in on the act and now there’s barely a food show out there that doesn’t leave us trying to decide if we need to make a shopping list or run a bath and light some candles.
READ MORE: Great British Bake Off's Latest Scandal: Finger Food
Even Jamie Oliver, he of the wazzing and dollops and ruining chicken McNuggets, has turned on the mood music and seduced us with his latest offering, Jamie’s Comfort Food. Turns out that doesn’t mean comfort like your old trackie bottoms, it means comfort like a slightly-too-short silk dressing gown. It means juicy things and oozy things and food that may even inspire the biggest heathens to attend confession with a priest. There are saucy puddings, saucy winks and great quivering piles of meat. Suddenly, he’s got us falling apart like a slow-cooked shoulder of lamb and it’s all very… confusing.
Because it’s only right to share the joy/shame, we’ve rounded up Jamie’s Comfort Food’s most, er, comforting moments. Are you sitting comfortably? Pukka up.
You got buns, hun
Having spent one too many post-Soho nights lying on the floor groaning for all the wrong reasons, we’ll admit I thought we were done with the burger thing. That was, until Jamie did this.
And this.
And this. All hail Jamie, King of the Meaty Drips.
Hey sugar
Temperature’s rising… as well it might, because if we look closely at Jamie’s thermometer we discover Mr O’s main priorities: hard cracks, soft cracks, hard balls and, naturally, soft balls. Do you buy these from a specialist website?
Cheesy rider
“Be quite rough with it, don’t be scared… Get underneath it, and just hold it,” says Jamie, over what is essentially the refined-carb version of that pervy upwards camera pan they do to actresses on the red carpet. But, unlike Cate Blanchett, this cheese toastie really is only here to be leered at.
Funny bones
British rose veal is ethical these days, but Jamie has given us another reason to feel guilty over this drippy dish.
READ MORE: The Absolute Filthiest Moments From Great British Bake Off History In GIF Form
Oil about the base
Jamie’s got the boys round for a curry! The beers are flowing, the jokes are flying and somebody is massaging oil tenderly into a sheet of soft paratha dough. LADS, LADS, LADS.
Depravioli
The trouble is, once you start seeing everything as vaguely erotic, it’s hard to stop. Cupping this meaty package, for example. IS IT RUDE? WHO EVEN KNOWS.
Sticky toffee torrent
There’s absolutely no reason this innocent gush of sticky toffee sauce from the middle of a steaming ring of pudding should be making us feel sordid… yet somewhere in the recesses of our minds, Serge Gainsbourg is quietly playing Je T’aime… Moi Non Plus.
A breasted development
Jamie mate, we’re having a nice time – but please don’t drag your dad into this.
**Oh, balls **
You think you’re safe with some lovely buttery dumplings, until you find out they’re called ‘nudey’. Google tells us it’s spelled ‘gnudi’ but the glint in Jamie’s eye says otherwise.
Sticky nuts
Watch your teeth, mind.
Twice is nice
Hey Jamie, remind us what you call second helpings?
Rise to the occasion
Now, the Bake Off has messed with our minds to the point where even this looks strangely suggestive. Um, something about a raising agent?
Pavlova conditioning
‘Stiff peaks’ have been eliciting sniggers since basically since the first chicken laid the first egg white, but only Jamie turns them into finger food.
And now, time for a lie down.
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Follow Lauren on Twitter @LaurenBravo
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.