Ever wanted to have a sitdown with the person who rips your pubes out every six weeks (or whenever you remember/can be arsed)? We collared a waxing professional, to answer those questions you really want to know while on all fours and holding your own cheeks open - from periods to arseholes, it's all here...
What's the worst experience you've had while waxing?
It's quite normal now, but you turn over to do the crack and she's got poo on her. It's not great, but I'm getting quite used it now considering the amount of times it happens. We always give away hygiene wipes when they come into the room, and tell them to wipe over the areas, but there a fair few times when you turn them over and think 'Well, you definitely didn't use them, did you?' but they're paying a fair bit of money, so I don't want to tell them 'You've got poo on your crack'! I just sort of wax around it.
Do you have to wax any really weird vaginas?
Not really, all vaginas sort of look the same but they're just different shapes and sizes. Clients that are quite overweight can be tricky because of the excess skin - and it's the same if a client was obese and then lost lots of weight. Then lots of sagging skin, so when you try and stretch the skin to get hold of the hair, it can be difficult. Sometimes you have to get right in, move everything around, and it's quite hard to get all the hair up. But I've never come across a really mad looking vagina, or anything.
Would you prefer, like, not to wax people's arseholes?
It's weird actually, I never got taught how to do it. At college, nobody ever teaches you, so at first I was a bit like 'Oh Jesus you do the crack?!' but it makes sense. You may as well, although some clients say no. It definitely hurts a lot less! But anyway, it doesn't really bother me anymore as I've been here for three years and we do so many Brazilians. People see legs and arms, and I see cracks! The not very nice ones are a bit annoying, but otherwise it's totally fine.
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Do you wax yourself? Or do you get colleagues to do it?
Oh God, I've emergency waxed myself a few times and it's very awkward. You've got to take it off yourself, and you always hesitate so you can never get the right pull and the hair snaps! I always try and get someone to do it, but if nobody's available then I'll do it myself.
Is it OK to go for a wax when you're on your period?
No. Our hygiene policy is that we cannot do a brazilian wax when someone's on their period, because most of our clients will be wearing tampons and if the wax gets on the tampon string... well, that'd get interesting. Also for hygiene reasons, as well. We'll do their bikini line, but you might as well wait the five or six days until you can come in for a Brazilian (if that's what you want to have) because once you've had your bikini line done, you have to wait over a month until you can have the Brazilian. You're better off just going away and coming back.
Even though you're a waxing extraordinaire, do you occasionally have to do the old Last Minute It'll Be Fine Panic Shave?
I used to, yeah! I used to always do that! To be honest, though, I can't even remember the last time I shaved because, obviously I'm around wax all the time so it's very easy to get it done. Oh god, the panic shave! I remember it so well - you forget that it goes all itchy and stubbly.
Do you judge people with massive bushes?
No, I don't really judge them - I think to each to their own, and if a person wants that hair, then so be it! A lot of clients tell me their boyfriend prefers them with a bit of hair, or that they prefer a bit of a bush but I personally think it's a lot cleaner to not have it. It's all about personal preference, but I tell me clients not to trim before they come in for a wax so sometimes a full bush can be a lot of hard work. I don't like having to deal with people who haven't waxed for six months, because they'll come in around May after not waxed since October and you have to get the scissors out because there's so much of it. I tell my clients not to trim because so many of them trim the hair too short, so its not gripping the wax. I know the right length, so I can trim.
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What's the biggest screwup you've made?
I've never made any big mistakes, but when I was trimming once - in the early days - I caught the skin on the top of the labia with some scissors. She had a big bush and I couldn't see the skin so, when I cut right down, I nicked it slightly. I've heard the usual horror stories of people bruising clients, or ripping their skin off. The worst, and I don't know if this was true, was that a girl I worked with knew another girl who'd waxed off someone's clitoris. To be honest, I don't think that's physically possible!
What's the most extreme reaction to pain you've ever witnessed?
Just the normal things, really. Closing legs, screaming, nearly hitting their heads on the roof, swearing, sitting up in panic. You just have to tell clients that it's fine, and that it'll be over soon. Nobody's ever hit me in the face or anything, touch wood.
What's the weirdest pubic hair shape someone has asked for?
A client came in and asked if we could wax her into the shape of a balloon, because she was getting married on a hot air balloon. I had to tell her, no, we only do loveheart shapes in terms of novelty. That was pretty weird.
Has anyone ever tried it on?
God no! Never anything like that. I'm quite stern when it comes to my clients, I just get the job done with no faffing around, so they get the impression that I wouldn't put up with stuff like this.
Has anyone ever got turned on during it?
It's never happened with a woman, but a fair few men have had erections. I just move it out of the way and do what I need to do quickly. In fact, you normally just turn them over to do their crack and it generally goes down, then you can finish up any bits and bobs in the front before you're done. You don't mention it, you just get it done as quickly as possible. If it goes over the mark, and they ejaculate - hasn't happened to me, but has to other people - then we have to leave the room and say we can't carry on the treatment this way. We're here to wax their pubes, not... y'know!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.