The closest I have ever come to domestic bliss was living with a Scorpio woman in a two-up-two-down red brick house in Leeds, where the only music we owned was a triple CD called The Love Collection and our most prized ornament was a novelty donkey cigarette dispenser from Tenerife that shat out fags.
I have no idea if we cohabited so well because she was a Scorpio, or because she was a promiscuous Catholic caffeine-addict who used to sneak into my room and fold my clothes while I was making dinner.
But, with 643,000 of us living in what Shelter defines as overcrowded conditions, the rates of shared living, in spaces designed to house dustpans, is on the inexorable increase. Which means we’re all having to think a little more tactically about who we live with. Who knows, maybe, like Jeremy Paxman on _University Challen_ge, astrology has the answers? After all, there are more things in heaven, earth and the whirling celestial fury than are dreamed of in my philosophy. Perhaps the secret to a fridge full of milk, clean sheets, happy evenings and a lack of bin juice is all down to matching the right fire sign with the right section of the zodiac.
‘The astrological principles for assessing compatibility in friendships, sexual relationships, work relationships and housemates are pretty similar,’ says the astrologer Fiona Graham. ‘There is a technique in western astrology called synastry, which takes the birth charts of individuals to see how they intersect. In doing that, you’re looking at all sorts of factors. The layman just thinks of astrology in terms of sun signs – the particular month in which you’re born - but the reality is that even someone who is an Aries, for instance, might have a lot of emphasis on other signs that might be more relevant to their compatibility to someone else.’
But, let’s make like Van Gogh and lay down some broad brushstrokes. All 12 signs are divided across the four elements. Aries, Leo and Sagittarius are fire signs; Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn are earth signs; Gemini, Libra and Aquarius are air signs; Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces are water signs.
‘A fire person – so not just a fire sun sign, but a person with a strong emphasis on fire in their chart – you would expect to be impulsive, spontaneous, optimistic,’ says Fiona. ‘On the downside you might expect them to be reckless.’ Cue afterparties, unpaid council tax bills and six art deco chairs in a one-bedroom flat because they are orange and were going cheap at a car-boot sale.
‘An earth person (ie someone with a strong emphasis of planets in earth signs) would be pragmatic, reliable, pleasure-loving, sensual, but possibly pedantic, because of that practicality,’ says Fiona. Last time I lived with a Virgo, she spent three days comparing internet service providers and would only eat fruit standing over the sink.
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‘With water, you’re looking at someone who’s emotional, empathetic, sensitive but also potentially changeable and moody,’ adds Fiona. My mother, a classic semi-hysterical Pisces, once tried to have a screaming row with me about my childhood while wearing a huge handlebar moustache of Jolene hair bleach, before bursting into tears over Desert Island Discs.’
Finally, those air signs: ‘With an emphasis on the element of air, you’re looking at someone who is communicative, cerebral, entertaining and verbal,’ explains Fiona. ‘But they are also potentially fickle and living in their head. My old Aquarius housemate once genuinely forgot to go outside for three days because she was so busy reading about gendered language and the autobiography of Gertrude Stein. If we hadn’t run out of Hobnobs she’d probably be there still.
So, how do you combine these elemental swathes? Who, as a fire sign should I avoid? Who will douse my flames of amateur furniture-making and who will burst into tears if I accidentally dye their bedding grey in the wash? ‘Traditionally, one would say put people with a similar elemental balance together,‘ says Fiona. ‘If you’ve got a house full of fiery people being impulsive and optimistic, it will become a party house. But then you might want to make different combinations as too much in one area can lead to conflict.’
I’ll say. My parents – two of the most fluidly emotional water signs you could ever hope to splash – would regularly have the sort of cup-smashing, wall-punching, flesh-tearing arguments that would mean coming down to an empty crockery cupboard and a garden full of potential mosaics.
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‘In an earth and fire combination, you might need the earth element to think of the practicalities, the basics, while the fire person is lightening them up, helping them be more spontaneous,’ says Fiona. ‘If you put air and water together they can help each other get in touch with the attributes they may be out of touch with – it can help overcome airy cynicism or watery sensitivity. Earth and water are often seen as very compatible, as two introverted elements, while air and fire might have more of a day-to-day extrovert understanding.’
So, let’s nail some detail to this skeleton. According to Fiona, an archetypal Taurean man is ruled by the planet Venus, which is all sensuality, femininity, pleasure, good food, perfume, sex and touch. So a conventional Taurean man may well enjoy living surrounded by women. The archetypal combative person is Aries, because they’re ruled by Mars. The Leo story is about creativity – being at the centre of the universe, like the sun. It’s a fixed sign so it’s also pretty stubborn, like Taurus. So they may enjoy being centre-stage, being appreciated and being celebrated. The fixed signs – Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius – are all about staying power, hanging in there.
Now, like a second-hand pair of forceps, it’s been a while since I attracted much interest on Gumtree. But, just say I, a Sagittarius, was looking to move on to pastures new, who would be my ideal fieldmates? ‘If you’re looking for challenge, excitement and the magnetic attraction of opposites then analytical Gemini,’ says Fiona. ‘If you’re looking for a similar energetic approach to life then either Aries or Leo. If you want to be brought down to earth a bit and have stability around you, then go for the earth signs, especially Virgo.’
The good news is that’s a solid third of the zodiac at my disposal. The bad news (for you guys) is that I am already living with the sort of dream woman who accidentally orders 24 rolls of toilet paper from Ocado on her first day back from the Edinburgh Festival. In other words, I’m taken.
But, hey, next time I’m staring down the barrel of an unpayable electricity bill, maybe I’ll give old synastry a try. After all, it can’t be any worse than Craigslist.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.