Sharing a house with new people can be a wonderful time. A time for sharing cultures, ideas and discussing hot political potatoes over steaming cups o' cocoa. Or so said the brochure. What it didn't mention was all the cous cous you'd be finding in your slipper socks or the catatonic rage you'd experience when you found that human poo in the kitchen bin. Here are some battles you'd better steel yourself for.
1/ Sinking feelings
There are two types of people who hate washing up. Both of them live in your house and at least one of them is you. Type A is a stacker. They pile, never rinse. They spend more time stacking to reduce scale than they would just washing up, but hey. Type A's are useless, but they know what they do. On some level they are sorry. Type 2, the one who leaves everything in the sink, runs it a savoury scum bath and flees the house does not care for peace. Which is why, while you've been removing it all piece by piece, rinsing it off starting again, you've been compsing a Post-it zinger.
2/ Possession
If you're from a family of more than three, moving to your own student house suddenly makes the prospect of a prison cell quite thrilling. All your stuff just where you want it. No-one to come in and fuck it up. Same goes for making a food cupboard that is all yours. Organising the irresponsiby sourced multipacks of Mini Rolls in your kitchen happy place is a joy unrivalled. 'Yes I will eat Cheese Twists every day of the week' you smile stacking them neatly away (you regret this a stone later.) Hippy twats bringing their 'food sharing vibes' are a pain unparalleled. God preserve the soul who fucks with your flawless cupboard logic.
READ MORE: Seven Bloody Boiling Things My Housemate Does In The Bathroom
3/ Bin laden
Every last person who balances their empty carton of cocktail sausages atop an overflowing bin hopes it won't be the pack that broke the camel's back. But even in this giant rotting game of Jenga there are rules. The player who topples it with their mackerel skin is not allowed to play anymore.
4/ Bins against humanity
Just so you're aware, if you plan on having a flat warming and inviting #ultimatelads round, there are far more chilling things you can do in a bin. If you ask my sweet friend Max, he will tell you the same can be said for a wok.
5/ Wipe ups
Spilling something on an industrial carpet is about the closest you're ever going to get to attending Hogwarts. The sheer absorbency of the sofa in your shared kitchen is beggar's belief. You could literally pour an entire litre of WD-40 on an industrial carpet and watch it silently fade away like magic. Sadly when it comes to body fluids and little accidents this discourages culture of responsibilty. As scents begin to ripen, inquiries like: 'who dropped an entire bowl of milk on the communal armchair?' begin. By term two of first year these are dropped when it's noted the whole couch smells of sick.
**6/ The tea towel **
Because your Mum loves you more than their Mums do, she bought you a super cute tea towel from Matalan with hearts all over it that you, with a heavy heart of your own, folded into the kitchen drawer. By the end of your first week, it will have become clear this is the only tea towel. And because no-one has learnt how to wash up yet, it will be doubling as a scrubbing brush. Once your precious cloth has been used to scrape tomato sauce from a their badly washed up spag bol, it will be perpetually wet. It will sit in its state of sog on counter until becomes irreversibly yeasty. If your housemates are awful, they might resort to using your bathroom towel, face flannel, or (as I once shamefully did) your freshly washed socks to wipe curry off the surfaces. Fuck those guys, really.
7/ Cheffery
It's a common misconception that all students do for nosh is heat up beans. Despite what you tell your rents, you have a pretty dece amount of money and swathes of time you've not spending reading. Because at least one of your new roomies will be keen to impress, things have got a bit Masterchef test kitchen up in there. Things wrapped in bacon, things that involve zesting and mountains of peel. Due to poor sweeping skills there is now a Hoover Dam of peel building at the skirting boards. If you're not sliding around the floor on an onion skin, you're bringing grains of cous cous from your slipper socks to bed with you. You'll never forget that smell of home made mayo on your dressing gown chord.
8/ Fridge code
Abandon all you once knew about food ownership. You can't even see the rule book it's so far out of the window. This is the Wild West. Milk consumption? Double what you claim it is. 'Oh sorry I thought they were mine': a defence. Destroy the evidence and it never happened. Put the empty ravaged packet back in the fridge: you clearly didn't come here to make friends.
**9/ Magnet identity **
When you're starting out in the world afresh, it's curious how considered all of your decisions become. The edgy postcard on your mirror, the Urban Outfitters ephemera on your desk. Back in the kitchen a tense war is being waged not in, but ON your fridge. Fiona down the hall is is allowed to have her room however she wants it, but if she sticks any more of those friggin Clintons bears on the door you're gonna lose it.
10/ The hate plate
What is it about the microwave plate that makes it the most hostile thing to clean in existence? Do people not understand just it's a splattery food cupboard? Why won't they understand? If you think about it, being the first one to clean that cheesy disc of Hell must mean something quite significant. Perhaps you are destined for big things. You have taken the bull by the horns, you're practical, clean, community spirited. What am I talking about? Stop cleaning the fucking microwave you loser and go and make some friends.
Follow Lucy on Twitter @lucyannhancock
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.