Remember when Tinder wasn’t full of morons? That was a good week. Since Lori Zalabak Facebooked a Tinder creep’s mum after he called her a ‘dog slut piece of shit’ for not revealing exactly how large her ‘tits’ were, we’ve been thinking about the best ways to retaliate when an arsehole trolls you on the increasingly pervy dating app.
**The Straight-To-The-Point Tinder Dude **
Them: Do u want to fuck
You: I’m just on the way to my auntie’s birthday, do you want to come along and be my date? It’s smart casual and my dad can lend you some shoes if need be.
Alternatively: Yes (if you do want to fuck). No (if you don’t want to fuck)
**The Dick Pic Tinder Dude **
Them: hey what u up 2 your attention is diverted to the fact that their profile picture is a wang
You: Nothing much, just really enjoying that windsock in your profile picture. Isn’t that the one stationed outside the factories as you drive into Runcorn northbound?
Alternatively: Hey! Sorry, I would totally chat but I don’t really go for guys with penises for heads. Have a good one! x
READ MORE: Tinder Is Dead: How The Dating App Went From Zero To Hero
**The Needy Tinder Dude **
Them: Hey!
Hey!
What's up? Y u no answer me lol
HELLO??????????
You: Oh sorry, I was at a funeral.
Alternatively: Never respond and see how it pans out. Then post a screenshot of it to Facebook with a weary caption such as ‘eye-roll’ or a hilariously ironic (or is it sarcastic?) caption such as ‘I’m such a flirt ;)’. Or just laugh to yourself in your room.
**The Pick-Up Artist Dude **
Them: Roses are red, violets are blue, swipe right on me and I’ll fuck you/Are you [insert noun]? Because I’m [insert sexual innuendo to do with noun that doubles as a bad pun].
You: 0/10
Alternatively: Give me three more pick-up lines and I’ll consider it (then don’t consider it. But you’ll at least get a larf)
The Compliment Dude
Them: ur the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen
You: So are you. (Then proceed to converse with them as if they’re a woman, so think, ‘How do you deal with all these creepy guys?’ and ‘I don’t have a best gal pal at the mo, do you want to be mine?’ to ‘How are your tampons?’)
Alternatively: What about Jennifer Lawrence? (wait for response) What about Kaley Cuoco? (wait or response) What about Kirsten Dunst? (continue until they get bored).
The Weird Tinder Dude
Them: I want to smell your skin
You: I want to eat your head in a panini.
**Alternatively: **Isn’t that what Hannibal Lecter says to Clarice Starling? I’m calling the police. What’s your name and address so I can properly report you?
**The ‘I’m Just On Here For A Bit Isn’t This Tinder Thing Mad I’m Normal’ Dude **
Them: I’m just on here for a bit. Isn’t this Tinder thing mad?
You: Do u want to fuck
Alternatively: I want to smell your skin
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.