Worried that you don’t have enough wrong with your boobs? Is being told they’re too small by billboard ads, too big by high street clothing sizes (look, I’m not a size 16 on top and a size 10 on the bottom, because I wouldn’t ergonomically be able to stand up OK?!) and too saggy by some unscrupulous media outlets not enough? Then you’re in luck, because according to a top plastic surgeon (in conjunction with Ann Summers, of all companies), ‘the perfect boob’ is all about where your nipple appears on your breast.
Yes, really.
The golden ratio is 55% below the nipple, and 45% – any deviation from this can make or most probably break a boob. Kelly Brook’s are, according to this godawful study, the best breast, as they point upwards at an angle of 20 degrees. Lindsay Lohan’s and Rihanna’s are the worst due to the fact they are slightly fuller below the nipple meridian line. No, I’m not shitting you. The words ‘nipple meridian’ were just used and, yes, two members of The Debrief (me included) did read this, become outraged and then sneak off to the loos to look at their own nipples. Unfortunately, I couldn't ascertain the angle at which my nipples pointed because I haven’t owned a protractor since 2002, but I’m guessing they weren’t at 20 degrees. *
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From news that women are getting their calves shrunk to fit into thigh-high boots, to thigh gaps to bingo wings to butts that can twerk and waists that can cinch, don’t we have enough to be getting on with? Is the introduction of a nipple meridian really that helpful? Of course, it’s pretty telling that this has been announced by a plastic surgeon who would no doubt benefit from a mass-panic of women terrified that their nipples don’t point 20 degrees. Oh and Ryman’s, too, for the protractors, but they had nothing to do with the ‘survey’.
The real boob connosseurs of this world aren’t those who own them, but, of course, straight men and lesbians put on this earth to enjoy what bouncy bounty they have to offer (whether pointing 20 degrees or otherwise), so I made some enquiries to find out if this nipple meridian thing is something we should all be worried about.
‘I don't really understand what that means,’ said my boyfriend. ‘Would that be like if they were really saggy or not saggy? Not saggy is probably better in terms of the perfect boob, but I’ve never, er, looked at a nipple meridian line. Or noticed which way a boob points. I don’t understand what a nipple meridian is, or what’s going on. Are you alright? I’m just about to go into a meeting.’
In the interests of balance, my friend who also happens to be a lesbian, had this to say: ‘Plastic surgeons have too much time on their hands and clearly too many models of globes in their swanky little offices.’
Well, I think it’s safe to say this is panic on a Defcon 5 scale and we should all immediately book appointments to get our nipples re-orientated or whatever the f it is they're offering to ‘fix’ for us this time. Or yes, just ignore this silly survey and get on with our lives.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.