Relationships run on alchemy. No matter how compatible a pair of people appear to be, we’re all aware that the ratio of chemistry to magic that ultimately holds them together is essentially unknowable. And when that relationship breaks up, people are desperate to root among the spilled guts and innards, like tree surgeons finding themselves in a state of fervour as they count the rings of a fallen great oak. To witness a break up is to watch the splitting of the atom! Or, at the very least, the chance to have a good snoop among all the collapsed soufflés backstage at Bake Off.
We were, to be technical about it, properly gutted when we heard that J-Law and Nicholas Hoult had decided to call it a day. When a famous couple becomes two halves again, everyone in the world thinks they can peer within the love Kinder Egg and find the plastic toy of advice that will fix everything and stop love from going wrong ever again. But we can’t. And hearing the gossip and endless speculation about the end of Nick and Jen has reminded us about all the well-meaning but ultimately terrible advice we’ve been given, post-break up. Jen! Nick! We’ve been through this too. We feel your pain.
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Friends will suggest new, unwanted partners for you – without being asked
No matter how tempting it is, and how loved up you are at the time, never say that the person you’re seeing keeps your heart beating. Because when you do break up, all your mates are going to think, ‘Shit! When your heart stops beating, you die. Does anyone know CPR? Quick, let’s find them someone else, like, yesterday!’
This is why Nicholas Hoult has already been ‘linked’ with hot sulky vampire Kristen Stewart because they – wait for it – went for lunch. Also, why within three days of a break up, you’re at risk of being captured by well-meaning mates who will dress you in a plastic poncho emblazoned with the word ‘desperate’ and walk you around the country’s largest and most terrible nightclubs while ringing a bell.
People will look for drama when there is no drama
‘Why?’ people scream, pulling their hair and renting at their garments. (That’s an old fashioned word for tearing, but do get in touch if there’s something about other people’s bad news that gives you the urge to hire your clothes.) Was it because of Jen’s unstoppable ambition? Some who claim to know her relationship well say it’s because Jen had an ‘explosive ego’ which Nicholas got tired of.
Other gossips say it’s because she sacked off a trip to Wireless with Nick to attend a Dior show. (For what it’s worth, I’ve been to Wireless, but I’ve never been front row while looking at Dior Couture, and if I had to choose between them I’d pick the one with the best canapés, boyfriend or no boyfriend.) It seems celebrities face a similar level of post-break up scrutiny as us mere mortals. ‘COME ON! Did you really break up with Josh because he cheated? YOU cheated? YOU ARE SECRETLY A LIZARD?’ is most people’s ‘reasonable’ response to ‘it just ran its course.’
There will be much sympathetic head tilting
Break ups are rubbish, but they’re usually necessary. People part because they’re no longer good together. No-one dies. No-one usually even twists their ankle or gets a stomach bug. But everyone Jen meets in the next few days, be they red carpet reporter, celebrity stylist or Twitter follower, will greet her with sad eyes while shout whispering: ‘Are you OK? You must feel awful!’
As I type this, paps are probably lining up to catch her looking sleepy and wearing a hoodie, in order to fully document her ‘heartbreak’. Post-break up, you don’t need anyone to tell you how you feel. And I address that specifically to the former friend who cancelled my cheeseburger order while telling the waitress: ‘Her boyfriend just dumped her, so she’s going to be off her food for a while.’
Everyone will magically, retrospectively, know what was wrong with your relationship and the person you just broke up with
Last year Jennifer told *Marie Claire: ‘When we’re busy, we agree to mutually ignore each other. Not completely, but neither of us gets mad when the other doesn’t text back or call. Life’s super-busy. Obviously, you know what they’re doing, and you trust them.’ *
Because she was honest about her relationship and how it worked, she’s now at the mercy of a team of people who think they’re in a position to point fingers and claim they know exactly what went wrong, and how it happened. [A ‘source’ allegedly told The Sun that Jen and Nicholas had to end it because they never spent any time together.
**Another ‘source’ [my pal Karen] told The Debrief, ‘I don’t know how a style icon like Jen could have dated someone with such an awful taste in jumpers.’ A little probing revealed that the only part of Nicholas Hoult’s body of work that Karen is familiar with is About A Boy. Worryingly, this meant she was under the impression J-Law was dating a 13-year-old, and she did not seem to have a problem with that.
Just remember that your reaction to your mate’s ex is very different from hers, and it is never appropriate to respond to break up news with, ‘I always knew it would never work out with you guys because he stank of beans.’
People will tell you that you need to reevalute your life choices when you look for love
We have a proud shameful, glorious ignoble tradition of telling women that it’s better to change yourself to get a man instead of changing your man, or not having one, while you get your house in order. It’s a generational thing. One can imagine J-Law’s granny muttering, ‘You shouldn’t have won that Oscar, Jenny. Men don’t like it when you win Oscars. It intimidates them. And no man wants to see you in a list that shows you’re out earning everyone apart from Sandy Bullock.’
Post-break up, expect to be inundated with advice from well-meaning elderly relatives who reckon you could be married within the year if you spent less time at work, stopped smoking, wore more skirts and ditched the Wotsits. Pay attention to what these people say. Because if and when you are ready to get together with someone else, they need to have or love the qualities that your grumpy aunty has just warned you off.
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Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.