So Blake Lively’s lifestyle Goop-esque website Preserve launched today. And OMG.
If we’re honest, we don’t massively understand what it’s all about. There’s the bit where she pretends a BBQ is a a medieval banquet (‘one harkens back to ye days of olde, to the court of Richard the Lionheart, to the Canterbury Tales of Chaucer, to Lords and Ladies locked in scenes of chivalry’), and then there’s this style shoot in which we finally learn to appreciate the understated beauty of a ginger mustache on a man.
Still, seeing as she is a nice lady, Blake’s donating some of the income from the website to Covenant House, a charity that protects and serves homeless, trafficked and abused youth in the US. Which is nice.
Then, there’s the bit of the website where you can buy stuff and holy crap, there’s some nice stuff on there. Ridiculous yes, but also stuff we would totally go and buy the second we won the lottery/finally got some interest in that app we thought up that would tell you which boys on Tinder are totally lying about what they look like.
Anyways, here’s what we’ve got our eye on.
These Light Up Blackboards
As well as looking spectacular (and they do, they really do) these guys will totally come in useful for those days when you come home in the middle of the night all drunk and forget your golden rules of going to bed because you can’t see your normal ‘to-do’ list because it’s too dark.
We’d write helpful mantras on ours such as, ‘Don’t cook chicken nuggets and potato waffles past 3am’, and ‘You don’t need to watch an episode of OITNB now because you won’t remember what happens’ and the most important one, ‘Hiding your kebab wrapper in your wardrobe so you forget you’ve eaten it will only make your clothes smell and the guilt weigh heavier in the long run.’
Black Truffle Salt
For when your normal salt tastes too much like, erm salt. This stuff is infused with ‘musty black truffles from the soil of Italian forests’. We’ve not actually ever had truffles, but from the amount people bang on about them we’re guessing they taste a little like chocolate wrapped in bacon sprinkled with chorizo. If that’s the case we are fully on board with this salt. No matter how much it costs.
Round Half Dozen Platter
For when your normal oyster platter isn’t cutting the mustard. This plate has only been touched ‘11 times before the complete process is finished’, so no matter how filthy-handed those oyster plate crafters are (trust us, those guys know how to _par_ty) none of their craftsmen flith will rub off on your prized product. Meaning your oysters can be served pure as the virgin snow.
Mr And Mrs Spoons
You know how annoying it is when you go to find your very favourite spoon in the cutlery drawer (and by ‘favourite’ we mean ‘whichever the last one without bits of dried food stuck to it is’) and your man’s already pinched it to stir his coffee? What is he like?! Luckily these spoons mean you two will never fight again over cutlery.
Glad we can finally put that one to bed.
These $18.50 pickles
Props to Blake for realising that the best part of any McDonalds meal is 110 per cent the gherkins you get on your burger. If you’re one of those people who discard them along with your licked-clean BBQ sauce packets then take a hike sister; you’re never invited to mine and Blake’s imaginary barbecue.
While $18.50 (£10.84) might seem a lot for a jar of pickles, these ones have a ‘capricious character’, which is more than we can say for McDonalds’ pickles.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.