A survey of 1,000 people – 500 male and 500 female – looking into the cultural values of British people and how they relate to age, has found that basically you need to stop breathing aged 25 if you're to ever be acceptable as an adult.
Age-specific faux-pas include wearing a baseball cap when you're older than 32 (wherever Fred Durst is, we can imagine he is very sad. Sadder than normal), growing a goatee if they're older than 34 (um, seriously, are there any men under 34 who grow goatees? Surely that's why they're so repellant, because they're as old man as varifocal lenses and a faint smell of cabbage) and women older than 48 wearing a bikini (the alternative, the burkini, is yet to receive an age limitation, etiquette-wise).
When it comes to tattoos, they've still got all of the hallmarks of youthful rebellion, so it's considered embarrassing to get one after 31, according to this survey, conducted by Forza supplements and reported on by the MailOnline. But it's ok if you turn 31 and already have a smattering of tattoos, apparently.
With regards to text messaging and social media, emoticons (and emoji, we guess) can only be used by those 26 and under, but you're allowed to use acronyms like LOL and BRB via text up until 29. Ending a text or email to a stranger using a kiss can be allowed up until 35.
However, kissing someone you really like, IRL (we're allowed to say that, btw) is limited to 24. Apparently, anything past that is verboten, even though it's fine for people to wear Crocs until 33.
Though it's heartening to see that dancing in a club or dressing outrageously for a hen or stag party is allowed until 37, you might want to go disappear upon learning that wearing a mini-skirt shouldn't be allowed after 27. But don't you worry, this is just a survey. And though it shows us what a few people who answered that survey think about how people of certain ages should behave, it doesn't tell us how old we should be before we stop believing in stupid surveys.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.