Dolly Parton might be one of my ultimate idols, but I’m not very good at drawing inspiration from her when it comes to my own basic behaviour.
Last weekend, Dolly’s Glastonbury set was imbued with such genuine sweetness that it could probably treat a hangover much more effectively than Red Coke. Her Southern charm might be old school, but it plays extraordinarily well in 2014. In contrast, when I went to a festival in Hyde Park a few days later, I was a big brat.
‘Seriously, what is WRONG with you?’ I screamed at a sunburned fellow in a pink shirt, while making the international gesture for ‘I have now decided to live out my days as John McEnroe’.
Admittedly, he had wiggled through a gap in the crowd that would not accommodate his shoulders, spilling lukewarm Heineken down my shoulder, knee and handbag in the process. But he wasn’t doing it to spite me. And I wasn’t helping the situation by behaving as if he’d just invited me to a Red Wedding party and told me to bring my mum.
Samantha, 30, a business analyst admitted: ‘When I’m waiting for a delayed train or a bus, I get obsessed by how much I’m being inconvenienced, and I start fantasising about finding the person responsible and screaming, “How DARE you? You’ve RUINED my day!”’
Katy, 27, struggles with crowds. ‘If I’m running down an escalator and someone is dawdling in front of me, I hear myself thinking, “MOVE, motherfucker, or I will push you down the goddamn stairs and I don’t care if your head splits open.” Obviously I would never dream of doing it, or saying it, but my train of thought horrifies me. And I know it cannot be healthy to regularly direct these intense bursts of anger at strangers.’
Much is made about the fact that women are socialised to play down their anger. A new Pantene advertisement is pointing out that women are much more likely than men to apologise needlessly – and if you’ve ever said, ‘Sorry, please can I go to the toilet?’ or gushed with mortification and shame when bumping into an M&S mannequin, you’ll understand that there’s a problem.
Psychologist Sandra Thomas explains: ‘For girls, acting out… is not encouraged. Women usually get the message that anger is unpleasant and unfeminine.’
Perhaps when we say ‘sorry’, we’re apologising for what we’re thinking, not what we’re doing. We’re terrified that something ugly and real is going to break the surface of our carefully cultivated façade. When we spend so much energy suppressing our anger, we’re going to feel frustrated and week.
Let’s take another look at Dolly. She didn’t get where she is today by simply saying ‘shucks’ a lot and being so goshdarn tootin’ adorable. At the last count, her net worth is $450 million. If you needed proof that you can be sweet and strong, this is it.
Lucy, a 29-year-old social media strategist says: ‘I meditate with Headspace, and I find that’s made me a bit… nicer. There’s a part of the meditation where you have to think about how your own meditation will help the people who have to deal with you every day. I’m starting to realise how much I push, complain and basically take everything personally. I’m not a saint now, but I am feeling calmer and stronger because I’ve consciously decided to be less of a twat.’
Lucy adds ‘I’m really worried about sounding New Age-y, but I feel so much more powerful when I’m deliberately kind. I feel like deciding not to push, or shout, or obsess about how badly I’m being treated means I’ve got the upper hand. And I feel that if I give, I’m allowed to take. I can enjoy the kindness of other people without fretting about not being worthy of it.
‘Previously, if I had to ask for something at work or negotiate something tricky, I’d assume everyone would hate me for it and then become angry and defensive. Now I know that I can’t predict anyone else’s reactions, I can only control and have power over my own. I just ask in the way I would like to be asked, and that seems to do the trick.’
If you can’t ask yourself what Dolly would do, at least do as you would be done by.
Although there’s still an argument for sending me to a charm school in Tennessee, my etiquette education is coming from a place that’s a little closer to home. As sickening as it sounds, my boyfriend is the kindest person I have ever met, and demonstrates to me on a daily basis that you get much more out of everyone you meet if you treat them properly.
While I swear under my breath at people on trains with massive suitcases, he’s helping them get up the stairs. When I’m gearing myself up for an angry showdown with a hotel manager because our bedroom overlooks the bins, he’s horse whispering them into upgrading us to the best suite in the building. He’s perfectly polite, but confident with it. Watching him shows me you can be genuinely charming and likeable without ever needing to apologise for your presence.
There’s great truth in the old adage about not dating anyone who is rude to waiters. Since we got together, I’m confident that my soup has been saliva free. Perhaps most importantly, he is constantly kind to me, which encourages me to treat him the same way, and I think that’s what makes a relationship work.
If you’re rude, you’re signalling that you don’t care or notice how people respond to you. Acting kindly means you respect yourself enough to expect kindness in return. As Maya Angelou said: ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’
It’s a strong argument for keeping people sweet.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
Picture: Ada Hamza
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.