You know the drill: you’re over-worked, underpaid and when you were pissed at your mate’s swanky dinner party last month (she’s got a proper job that doesn’t leave her crying in NatWest), you said you’d host the next one. And it’s tomorrow. And you don’t have the time, energy or joy in your heart to do anything other than stomp about your flat spitting about how there are more important things in life than being able to make soufflé. Or know what soufflé is.
From cakes to lasagne to curries and coq au vin, there’s a way you can throw a dinner party (or rise to that effing 'bring a dish' challenge) with next-to-no preparation and zero cooking involved, leaving you able to both enjoy yourself and, crucially, get drunk. It involves ready meals and a little something I like to call 'Lying To Your Friends'.
NB: If you throw a dinner party for 16 people, this isn’t going to work and will cost you billions. The following is suitable for small dinner parties or those horrific 'hey lovelies, why don’t you all bring a dish? It’ll be super-fun!' scenarios that you forgot about until it’s way too late.
Entrée: Soup
Preparation time: As long as it takes to heat some soup
Top tip: Prepare the soup just before your friends are about to arrive, while drinking wine out of a box from Iceland (shop, not country). Or any wine. I just really love the boxed stuff, you know? If you take it out of the box ,it’s a silver bag and looks like space food for astronauts, except it’s a floppy bag of wine for poor people with taste buds damaged from years of two-for -£5 deals.
*Ingredients: *
Cartons of the chunkiest Italian-style soup you can find.
The same number of cans of cheap chopped tomatoes
Some herbs. I don’t know, I’m not a botanist. Basil? If all else fails, go for the enigmatic Mixed Herbs Value Tub.
Black pepper
Method:
Main: a curry
Preparation time: However long it takes to heat a curry up
Top tip: Put this in the oven as you’re bringing the starters out and, for God’s sake, hide the boxes. Maybe cut out the cooking time beforehand and keep it in the cupboard for referral purposes – allowing you to quickly conceal if someone wanders in to 'help')
Ingredients:
Ready meals (go to Iceland – again, shop not country – for the really cheap stuff, otherwise you’ll end up spending £500k, and buy lots of the same one)
Rice (a packet of white or basmati or brown rice, you’re going to chuck out any rice that comes with the ready meal because that's a dead giveaway)
Fresh coriander
More chopped tomatoes
Any vegetables you want, such as an onion
Method:
Cute thing to say while serving: 'Let me know if you want any more fresh coriander, I’ve got some left over (plus laughter reminiscent of waves breaking on the shore)
Main: Posh macaroni cheese
Preparation time: However long it takes to heat pasta in an oven
*Top tip: *Don’t worry if you can’t afford to buy loads of cans of mac and cheese – just buy a few and then bulk it up with shitloads more cheese and pasta (if you don’t have macaroni, just throw in some bowties or whatever and people will think you’re a kook).
Ingredients:
Cans of macaroni and cheese
Red cheese/white cheese
Parmesan
Some sort of herb. Basil?
Some bread
Method:
Cute thing to say while serving: 'I hope the breadcrumbs have crisped! Last time I cooked this, I put way too much béchamel in… *(plus snort- laugh)
Dessert: Classic Victoria sponge
Preparation time: HAHAHAHA
Top tip: Don’t go too mental with the bashing. For more info on the bashing, see below.
*Ingredients: *
A nice Victoria sponge cake, like, a fancy one from M&S
Some jam
Some sugar
Method:
Cute thing to say while serving: 'Oh god I overdid it with the jam, and it came out all messy I’m so embarrassed (plus an overdid it with the jam laugh).
I could go on, but you get the idea – this formula (put herbs on it, add something to bulk it up and smash it about a bit) works with pretty much everything you can get your hands on at a supermarket. And don’t forget: if someone looks like they might question you, simply cause a diversion by crying, throwing a glass at the wall or – in the most extreme cases – mooning.
Bon appétit.
Follow Stevie on Twitter @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.