So 1 in 5 students are now using the so-called ‘study drug’ Modafinil to keep awake in the library in this, the hellish stint universities call finals. But while it might be helping you keep awake all night, it won’t help you deal with the inevitable idiots you’ll run into in the library:
1. The Frantic Highlighter
A trait oft seen in young freshers. This habit’s a hangover from A-Level madness and sees sufferers manically highlighting all of their book until it resembles radioactive waste. Not proven to be a particularly effective method of learning, it at least looks pretty.
2. The Crier
Usually spotted sitting on the staircase on the phone to Mum. For this poor person, the pressures of doing exactly the same amount of work as everyone else in their year has all just got too much. If they do Physics feel sorry for them. If they do English, laugh.
3. The Ghost
Their books and laptop are always on the desk. Occasionally, a book might change positions, but you’ve never actually seen them and your library-addled brain is starting to suspect that they may not be of this world. In fact, recently, you’ve been spending less time on your most pressing essay, and more time worrying about how to report them to the librarian for desk hogging without angering the undead.
4. The Statue
An equally mysterious being to The Ghost. They remain entirely stationary for the duration of your visit, never once getting up to go to the loo or to sample the delights of the vending machine. Most logicial explanation? They’re almost definitely not using Modafinil.
5. Your Friends
Yay! Your friends! Fun for five minutes before you realise with a sinking feeling that their tales about not having written a single word of that Victorian Literature essay are almost certainly lies. In fact, they’re probably here with the express interest of sabotaging your efforts. There are no friends in the library, you realise with sorrow, as you stare out of the window at the ever-darkening sky. Winter is coming.
6. The Secret Eater
The wanker that tries to subtly open and eat a packet of crisps in the silent section. Just down them all in one. Please. Crunching them slowly one by one over the course of half an hour is almost certainly a reasonable motive for murder that’ll probably, definitely, stand up in court.
7. The Headphones Idiot
Typically an Urbanears wearer, irritatating everyone in a 10-computer radius with their complimentary rave. Read: a tinny soundtrack of David Guetta and Pitbull.
8. The Finals Flu Victim
A lot like Freshers’ Flu, except it’s caused by exposure to the germs of the library rather than from a week of being pissed. The victim’s eternal sniffing caused mild irritation at 9am this morning, but now, as mid-afternoon approaches, wild fantasies of filling a bath with their snot and drowning them in it are seeming more and more reasonable.
9. The Caffeine Junkie
Their desk is strewn with cans of Red Bull and takeaway coffee cups. These people are recognisable by their incessant twitching and a pallid sunken-eyed look reminiscent of Pete Doherty after a three-day bender. They’re most likely pulling an all-nighter. Pity them, but at a safe distance since Caffeine Junkies are prone to spontaneous acts of rage.
10. You
Finally, you. You are better than all of these idiots; you haven’t broken any of the rules of the library. No, you’re DEFINITELY not eating in the silent section, and your sniffing isn’t really that loud. And, you’ve been highlighting for ages, so this two-hour Buzzfeed break is a completely necessary reward for all that hard work.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @Sophie_gadd
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.