When Emily Letts took a pregnancy test and discovered that she was three weeks pregnant, she knew immediately that she wanted to have an abortion. She was 25, studying for her master’s degree and wasn't ready to be a mother – something she didn’t think was an unusual.
But the next decision Emily made definitely was unusual – because unlike a lot of women in their 20s who go in to have their pregnancy terminated, Emily decided to film her abortion. And post the video on YouTube.
‘I work in an abortion clinic, so I’m definitely aware of what is happening in congress and in the media in America at the moment and the war that’s being waged on women’s reproductive rights,’ Emily tells The Debrief. ‘When I found out I was pregnant and decided I wanted to terminate, I knew I wanted to do something to help other women from my clinic in the same position as me.
‘I thought about writing a blog, but then I did some research online and realised that nobody had made a video of surgical abortion before, and suddenly it felt like the clouds parted and I knew what I had to do. I wanted to break away from the woman-shaming depiction of abortion that is so prevalent online – I wanted to show you can have a positive abortion experience.’
The three-minute video, which Emily made with the stepson of her administrator at the New Jersey Clinic where she works, isn’t graphic or particularly violent. It doesn’t show Emily – who breathes and hums her way though the procedure – in any significant pain. It focuses on an interview before an abortion and the upper half of her body throughout the procedure.
Considering the often-harrowing depictions of abortions that we hear, the video is actually most shocking for its mundaneness. ‘The video shows my unique abortion experience which was supported and, generally, all good. After my procedure, three people came up to me, gave me a hug and offered me a bar of chocolate. That’s how an abortion should be,’ says Emily.
But since the video went viral – it has now had almost a million views – the reaction hasn’t been all that supportive. Almost immediately after posting the video, Emily started to receive negative feedback from the pro-life lobby, which she believes is down to the fact that pro-lifers set alerts and ‘troll’ YouTube waiting to send inflammatory stories back to the pro-life press.
She has been called a witch, a Nazi and a godless woman who should burn in hell. Emily initially attempted to respond to her critics commenting under the video, but eventually decided to block comments because she believes the negativity was ‘unproductive’.
‘The whole point of what I’m doing is to show how unfair that is – there’s no such thing as a “good” or a “bad” abortion – it’s my body and I decide”
But she has been surprised by some of the questions she’s received. ‘People keep asking me about the circumstances around the pregnancy and it bothers me,’ she explains. ‘Full disclosure – I was not with the father, I did not use birth control and he did not factor into my decision about the abortion. I was also never in any doubt about my termination.
‘It feels like they want me to make up a situation around my pregnancy that would make them feel better about my decision to abort – like if I’d had a contraceptive slip up with a partner or had been raped, then in some way my abortion would be validated. The whole point of what I’m doing is to show how unfair that is – there’s no such thing as a “good” or a “bad” abortion – it’s my body and I decide.’
Emily also hadn’t expected to get a negative from women who had gone through abortion themselves. But she did. ‘One woman wrote to me to tell me she had an abortion after she’d been raped,’ Emily explains. ‘She was upset because she’d gone to get an abortion straight away, while I waited two weeks to terminate my pregnancy. She was livid and accused me of “letting the baby grow” inside me.
‘I had to stop her and say, first of all, I was very sorry for her experience and hoped she had adequate access to counselling because rape is obviously horrific, but then I explained that to have an abortion, you have to be able to see something in the uterus. To abort safely, we have to wait until about five to six weeks, otherwise the risk for an incomplete abortion skyrockets. So in order to have a safe abortion, I had to wait two weeks. What you’re dealing with is a basic lack of understanding and in some cases ignorance and, unfortunately, the pro-life press feeds into that.’
‘One woman accused me of “letting the baby grow” inside me because I’d waited two weeks to abort’
Still, some of the perhaps inflammatory language she uses to be describe her abortion has led to the criticism – namely, calling the abortion experience ‘birth-like’. Why did she decide to do that? ‘People roll their eyes when I say that, but as a birth doula I love birth – I believe that a woman should have the best birthing experience humanly possible because it’s just profound moments of her life,’ she explains.
But surely an abortion is about as far away from a birthing experience as it’s possible to get? ‘I chose who was in the surgery room with me, from the doctor to who would be holding my hand, because I wanted the best possible atmosphere around me for the abortion. I took control of my body and I focused on my breathing, the menstrual cramps I was having and, yes, a part of me focused on saying goodbye.
‘I honoured the experience and I honoured my uterus and I honoured my body. That’s what I meant – it was as birth-like as I could get because, if I ever do have a child and I ever do give birth, then I want it to be as supportive and happy and in control as my abortion was.’
Emily insists that she’s refusing to let the criticism get to her – and is taking solace from the women who have emailed to tell her how supported they felt by her video. ‘Last night, I received a message from a woman from a very conservative community. She had gotten pregnant and wanted to abort, but was shamed out of going through with it by the people around her. She went through with the pregnancy and her son is the light of her life, but she knows that she wasn’t ready to parent.
‘She said that if she had seen this video or if there had been any other positive help out there, then her entire life would be different. That didn’t mean that she wanted to kill her baby – it means that she would have rather had the same light in her life when she was stable and supported and she was ready. I read that email and I just cried for about half an hour.’
One other positive outcome? That Emily’s started taking her contraception more seriously. Despite working in an abortion clinic, Emily had only been using the withdrawal method when she got pregnant, but she’s since had a coil fitted. Other than that, Emily is refusing to let shame or guilt enter into her life post-abortion.
‘I don’t believe in guilt. I don’t think that guilt is a productive emotion for any of us to pay attention to. We, as women, buy into what tabloids, newspapers and some members of society say and are shamed into doing the “right thing”. Because we’re so fearful, it’s so easy to beat ourselves up about our decision.
‘I just wanted this video to show women that whatever decision you make – whether that be birth, adoption or abortion – we should feel confident about it instead of beating ourselves up about it.’
**Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophiecullinane **
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.